Author: joker

For five free pints I’m going to show you how to have anything you want

A guy walks into a bar. T-shirt and jeans on but wearing a shiny top hat. He says to the barman, for five free pints I’m going to show you how to have anything you want.

The barman sniggers. “Yeah right”

No really insists the man. Watch. He takes off the hat and places it on the bar. Puts his hand in and pulls out a little piano. Then his hand goes back in and pulls out a guy only a foot tall wearing a full tuxedo. The little guy sits at the piano and starts to play some Beethoven. The barman is suitably impressed and lines up his drinks.

“Okay… what do I do?”

“Just whisper your want into the hat” replies the man. And the barman does.

Suddenly the doors burst open and hundreds and hundreds of mallards fly in causing havoc and a not insignificant amount of fear.

“I DIDN’T ASK FOR A THOUSAND DUCKS… I ASKED FOR A THOUSAND FUCKS” the barman shouts.

“Do you think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?”

A very important meeting

Bob is a businessman. He is about to have a very important meeting in a hotel conference room next to the airport. On his flight in, Bob is seated next to Bill Gates.

After some small talk, Bob says, “Hey, Bill. If you have a few minutes to spare, it would really mean the world to me if you could just pop in my meeting and say hello like you know me. I’m sure that would make my meeting go over really well and I’d appear connected in the IT industry.”

Bill agrees and about 10 minutes after the meeting starts, bill opens the door to bobs conference room and says, “Hey, Bob. How are you?”

Bob shouts back, “Fuck off, Bill. Can’t you see I’m in a meeting?”

A talking centipede

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. “Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don’t want a boring or normal pet – no cats, dogs, or birds – I want something different.” The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. “Really?,” the main replied, “How much?” The owner informs him that the talking centipede is $50. Happy with the unusual offering, the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.

On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says “Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?” The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey, he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.

An hour later he opens the match box and says “Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?” The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn’t talk, he will take it back to the shop for a refund.

An hour later the man opens the match box and says “Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks!?” The centipede says “I heard you the first time!!! I’m putting my shoes on!”

Whose religion is best?

A protestant minister, a Catholic Priest, and a Rabbi were in a coffee shop arguing about whose religion is best. After hours of arguing, they agree to go into the woods and convert a bear. They would meet up in next week to see who won.

THe next week, the Priest comes in to the coffee shop with his arm in a sling and sees the minister drinking coffee with a cast on his leg. The minister sees him and asks if he converted his bear.

“Yes” said the priest, “though it was tough. I wrestled the bear for hours and that’s how I got this, ” he points to the sling, “but eventually, I pushed it into a river and baptized it, then it became docile as a lamb, its coming to Mass on Sunday.”

The Minister said “I have a similar story, I found a bear eating a honeycomb, so I grabbed the honeycomb and ran to the nearest pond. The bear caught up to me and I had to wrestle him into the pond, not before he gave me this though,” he pointed to his leg, “anyway, once I got it into the water and baptized it, it became docile as a lamb. Its coming to Congregation this Sunday.”

At that moment the Rabbi is wheeled in with a full body cast. The Priest and the Minister both get up and asked him what happened.

The Rabbi relied, “Well, I probably shouldn’t have started with a circumcision.”

Wanting to become a Christian

A jewish guy walks into a synagogue and goes straight over to the rabbi. He says: “Rabbi, I need help. I have a big problem with my son. I did all that I could to raise him in the faith. I took him to Sabbath services every Saturday, and sent him to Hebrew school after regular school every Wednesday. He had a bar mitzvah. I sent him on a trip to Israel. I even sent him to seminary college for Jews. Yesterday, he came to me and said that he wanted to convert and become a Christian!”

The rabbi replies: “You know, it’s funny that you should come to me about this! I also have a son that I did all I could to raise as a Jew. I brought him to temple every Saturday. He went to Hebrew school after regular school too. He had a bar mitzvah, visited Israel, and went to seminary college as well. He too came to me and said that he wanted to convert and become a Christian!”

The jewish guy inquires: “Well, what did you do about it?”

The rabbi tells him that he asked God about it.

“Well, what did God say?” asks the guy.

God said: “You know it’s funny you should come to me about this!”

How many kinds of boobs are there?

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”