Are you sure you don’t need a list?

An elderly couple is at home and the wife sends the husband out for groceries. “Are you sure you don’t need a list?” she asks.

“I’ve been getting groceries for eighty-five years, Gertrude!” the old man replies. “I don’t think I need a list to remember to bring home a gallon of milk and a loaf of white bread.”

The old man walks out and returns an hour and a half later with six boxes of cereal in tow. “You idiot!” his wife yells. “You forgot the swiss cheese!”

Heavy house-cleaning

An employee goes to see his supervisor in the front office.”Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

“Sorry, but we’re short-handed,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”

“Thanks, boss,” says the employee. “I knew I could count on you!”

Why did I get divorced?

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday.

As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?” “Okay,” I said.

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa… naked.

Wishes from a good fairy

Tom and Anna are both 60 years old and have been married for 40 years.

One day they go for a walk and all of a sudden a good fairy stands in front of them and says, “You’ve been married for so long and you’re so cute together, I’ll grant you a wish each.”

The woman is beside herself with joy and wishes for a trip to Thailand. Poof – she’s holding two tickets to Thailand and a five star hotel voucher for two.

The man says, “Wow, that’s one chance in a lifetime! I’m sorry, darling, but I wish I had a wife that’s 30 years younger than me.”

“Are you sure?” asks the fairy.

“Yes!” replies Tom without hesitation.

Poof once more – and he’s 90.