On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
“I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”
The driver agrees: “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.”
“That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
“Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.”
When she hears a knock on the door.
Upon answering the door, she sees it is two of her husband’s friends and co-workers.
“Mary,” says the first co-worker, “I’m afraid we have some terrible news. You see, there was an accident at the factory today, and your husband fell into a vat of the Guinness.”
“My God!” Exclaims Mary, “will he be alright, how badly is he hurt!?”
“Well,” says the co-worker, “the fact is Mary, he didn’t make it, he drowned.”
“No!” Sobs Mary. “Please, tell me it was at least a quick death, and painless?”
“Well, you see, the thing of it is Mary, he got out three times to pee.”
The art teacher shows the others a giant clay sculpture of a dog he made. “This thing took me nearly a month to make.” He said. “Clearly this proves that I’m the smartest.”
The math teacher just laughs at him. “That’s nothing” she says. She then pulls out a huge 1’000 question math test which she took, and the score shows that she got them all right. “It took me two months to do this, and I got them all right on the first try!!”
“Oh you make me laugh” the science teacher says. He then pulls out a robot that he built which can do laundry, walk the dog, and shoot lasers out of its eyes. “Took me three months to build this beauty, watch and weep…”
Then the gym teacher comes laughing at all three of them. “You’re all idiots” He says. “Clearly I’m the smartest of you guys.”
“Oh yeah? Why’s that?” The science teacher says.
“Because I didn’t have to do any of that, and I still get paid the same as you!”
After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim and Scott, let’s break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting.
“I’ll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way.”
At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.
“I will tell my saddest story first,” he said. “I left the room key in the car!”
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two women and a man. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the women to a large metal door and handed her a gun. ‘We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your husband sitting in a chair …. Kill him!!’
The woman said, ‘You can’t be serious I could never shoot my husband .’
The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right woman for this job. Take your husband and go home.’
The second woman was given the same instructions. She took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet forabout 5 minutes.
The woman came out with tears in her eyes, ‘I tried, But I can’t kill my husband .’ The agent said, ‘You don’t have what it takes. Take your husband and go home.’
Finally, it was the man’s turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow.
‘This gun is loaded with blanks’ he said. ‘I had to kill her with the fucking chair!’
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he’s allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he’s a DEA-Agent, Sniffing-dog. His name is Sniffer, and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.”
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says “Watch this. He tells Sniffer to ‘search'”. Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent’s arm. The agent says, “Good boy”, and he turns to the man and says: “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.” “Say, that’s pretty neat.” replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent’s arm. The agent says, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I m making a note of his seat number for the police.” “I like it!” says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Sniffer to “search” again. Sniffer walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment, and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to poop all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this behaviour and can’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent, “What’s going on?”
The agent nervously replies, “He just found a bomb!”
A man goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”
“OK, have you ever been in the military service?”
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”
The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.”
Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the third time he said, “Look, if you don’t let me unlock the damn door you’re never going to get in there!”
In the seventies, Soviet party members decide on establishing the first strip club in Moscow
They plan out everything, yet somehow there’s next to no income. After some discussion, they decide on inviting two American experts to inspect the place.
The Americans look around for a minute, then tell the head of the Soviet delegation: “The position of this club is perfect. The food is excellent. The atmosphere is grandiose. The drinks are extraordinary. But the stripper has to go.”
“Impossibe!” says the Soviet organiser. “She is the perfect woman for the job, she has been a loyal member of the Communist Party for the past 60 years!!”
As the bar closes for the night, he sees a man come out who looks extremely wasted. The man stumbles all over the place, drops his keys, and has trouble finding his car. As the cop is watching him stumble around, all of the other patrons get in their vehicles and leave. The man finally gets in his car and starts it and pulls out. The cop flashes his lights and pulls the man over and tells him he needs to do a field sobriety test. The man gets out of the car and passes the test with no mistakes. The cop gets confused and makes him go through it all again and he passes again. “What’s going on here, how are you sober?” The man looks at him and says “I’m the designated distraction”