A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks, “some asshole has my pen”
There was a post about a month ago about a kid calling his parents stupid because he was able to deceive them with fake grades.
Some guy replies, “Looks like it runs in the family”.
I was in tears.
A programmer’s wife tells him: “Go to the market and grab an apple. If they have eggs, grab a dozen.” He returns with 13 apples.
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building
He yells “Don’t do it! You have so much potential!”
What’s a pirate’s favorite school subject?
What’s a pirate’s favorite sweater material?
What’s a pirate’s favorite branch of the military?
“Uh, the Arrrrrrrrrrrmy?”
No, the Navy, dumbass. Why would a pirate like the Army better? Fucking moron.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
He said, “Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?”
I said, “Monday.”
I said, “Everyone else does.”
He said, “That’s because they’re patients.”