I heard a bang. “3:45 PM”, he said.
Category: Family Jokes
A husband suspects his wife may be going deaf.
To test this, he goes a few feet behind her, and softly whispers “Honey, can you hear me?”
There is no response, so he takes a step forward, and softly says again “Honey, can you hear me?” Again, there is no response
The husband goes right behind his wife, and again says “Honey can you hear me?”
The wife turns around and says “For the third time, yes”
The secret to a good wife…
Find a woman who makes you laugh; find a woman who turns you on; find a woman who can cook; find a woman who wants to build a life with you and take care of you in old age. Make sure these four women never meet.
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?” The dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your mother, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.” The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.” The little boy replies, “Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit.”
Husband tells his wife “You’re negative.”
Wife gets angry and says “and you are stubborn, arrogant, a low life who cares about no one but yourself. All you are interested in is your own self, all your life you have not fulfilled even one of your promises. You good for nothing, fat, ugly man. Even your hair transplant failed.”
Husband: “Calm down, I was just informing you that your Covid test is negative.”
Wife: “Oh! Sorry honey!”
My dad told me once, son, stay out of strip clubs or you might see something you shouldn’t.
So of course, I went, and he was right. I saw my dad
A mother asked her son to lose their cat somewhere in the jungle.
The boy obeyed. The boy returned home and reported to his mom.
Son: Mom! I led the cat far into the jungle. I even got lost!!
Mother: How were you able to come back home?
Son: I followed the cat.
4 men are in the hospital waiting rooms, because their wives are having babies.
A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations, you’re a father of twins.”
The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence, because I work for the Minnesota Twins.”
The nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of triplets.”
The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence, I work for the 3M Company.”
The nurse tells the third guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of quadruplets.”
The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence, I work for the four seasons hotel.”
The last man is freaking out and banging his head against the wall.
The nurse asks him, “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
He replies, “No, I’m screwed! I work for 7UP.”
At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
Two brothers are in their room one morning.
The older brother says, “Billy, I’m 9 and you’re 6. We’re practically men. So today when we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say hell and you’re gonna say ass.”
Billy nods his head in excitement and they go downstairs. The boys sit at the table and their mom greets them.
“Good morning boys, what would ya’ll like for breakfast?”
Billy looks at his older brother, who smiles and throws his arm over the back rest and says, “Ah hell mom, make it cheerios.”
Their mom turns around and chases him up the stairs spanking him the whole way. When she returns she looks at Billy and says, “And what would you like my little angel.”
Billy nervously replies, “I don’t know, but you can bet your ass it ain’t cheerios.”