A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin. Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : “Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets?” Man responds: “Of course i was thinking about Hitler!”; Stalin lets him go but then he stops the soldier to say: “Who were YOU thinking about?”
He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me, too!”
Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.
There are ducks everywhere on the ground and floors. St. Peter tells them: “This is Heaven, you can do anything you like, as long as you don’t step on a duck. If you step on a duck, you will be punished.”
The first woman tries very carefully to not step on a duck, but slips up and accidentally steps on one. St. Peter ties her up to a decaying stinky old man who coughs and sneezes all the time. He says to her: “This will be your punishment for an eternity for stepping on a duck.”
The second woman goes a few days without stepping on a duck, but one morning she wakes up, gets out of bed, and accidentally steps on one. St. Peter ties her up to a disgusting old woman who is covered in warts and pus and complains all the time. He says to her: “This will be your punishment for an eternity for stepping on a duck.”
The third woman saw this and became very careful. She stopped walking altogether and started gliding her feet everywhere. And few hundred years went by and she still hasn’t stepped on a duck. St. Peter ties her up to a gorgeous young man for an eternity.
The woman is elated and says to the young man: “I wonder what I’ve done to be tied up to you for the rest of eternity!”
The man replies: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
Three men go out selling Bibles to raise money for their church. At the end of the day, the three meet up to discuss their success. Bob goes first and was proud to say that he sold 5 Bibles and made $50 for the church. Sam goes next and was pleased to say that he sold 7 Bibles and made $70 for the church. Timothy (who has a bit of a stutter) goes last and excitedly says “I-I-I s s sold t t t twenty t t t three B B Bibles” making $230 for the church. Bob and Sam are amazed and ask Timothy how he could sell so many Bibles in a single day. Timothy says “ I-I-I t t t told them t t t that they c c c could b b b buy the B B B Bible or I w w w would r r read it t t t to them”
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!”
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had ‘fallen.’
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.
A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
“Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they’ve fallen.”
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!”
As the waters continue to rise, the preacher kneels in prayer. After a while, one of the townsfolk comes up the street in a canoe.
“Better get in, Preacher. The waters are rising fast.”
“No,” says the preacher. “I have faith in the Lord. He will save me.”
Still the waters rise. Now the preacher is up on the balcony, wringing his hands in supplication, when another guy zips up in a motorboat.
“Come on, Preacher. We need to get you out of here. The levee’s gonna break any minute.”
Once again, the preacher is unmoved. “I shall remain. The Lord will see me through.”
After a while the levee breaks, and the flood rushes over the church until only the steeple remains above water. The preacher is up there, clinging to the cross, when a helicopter descends out of the clouds, and a state trooper calls down to him through a megaphone.
“Grab the ladder, Preacher. This is your last chance.”
Once again, the preacher insists the Lord will deliver him.
And, predictably, he drowns.
A pious man, the preacher goes to heaven. After a while he gets an interview with God, and he asks the Almighty, “Lord, I had unwavering faith in you. Why didn’t you deliver me from that flood?”
God shakes his head. “What did you want from me? I sent you two boats and a helicopter!”
He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “So what did you do with the pastries?” The Jew replies, “Look in the Arab’s back pocket…”