Category: Short Funny Jokes

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with president trump.” The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, trump is no longer president and no longer resides here.”

The old man said, “Okay”, and walked away.

The following day, the same old man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with president trump.”

The Marine repeated, “Sir, as I told you yesterday, trump is no longer president and no longer resides here.” The man thanked him again and just walked away.

On the third day, the old man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine. “I would like to go in and meet with president trump.”

The Marine, understandably irritated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you’ve been here asking to speak to trump and I’ve told you each time that he’s no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you get it?”

The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”

The Marine snapped to attention and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir.

Blow a whistle and say, “Everyone out of the pool, please!” How do you get 20 Americans out of a pool on a hot summer day? Blow a whistle and say, “For your own good and the safety of others, stay in the fucking pool!”

The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of the “k”, Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”, making words like “fotograf” 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent “e” is disgrasful.

By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI COM TRU!

The woman asked the doctor about her babies. The doctor said “You had twins, a boy and a girl they’re both fine and your brother named them for you” The woman replies with “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, NOT MY BROTHER, he’s an idiot!, what did he name the girl!?”Denise” the doctor answered

“Oh, that’s actually not that bad! what about the boy?” the woman replied

doctor sighs deeply

“Denephew”

Oh I can’t sleep at night cause i am afraid of the monster under my bed

The therapist told him: i will help you, you will take with me three sessions a week each one costing 200$ and in month you will be able to sleep

The man left and didn’t came back, after one year the man met the therapist who asked him: why haven’t you started your treatment

The man said: you wanted me to pay 2400 but my Egyptian neighbor helped me for a sandwich and a drink only

The therapist ask how and to which the man said: my Egyptian neighbor Told me to sell my bed and start sleeping on the ground and i was never scared from that day on.

In a condescending manner, she says, “Which Barbie?” She continues, “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.” Ralph asks, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?” “That’s obvious,” the saleslady says. “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”

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The pond was at the edge of his land and his body wasn’t as it used to be, so he hardly went to that part of his property but he decided he wanted to look it over. There were fruit trees surrounding the pond so before he left home, he grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring some fruit back with him.

As he neared the pond, he heard laughter and shouting. When he got around the trees and bushes, he saw it was a group of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He shouted out so that they could see he was there. After they saw him, they started shrieking and moved to the deep end.

One of the women shouted at the old man, “We’re not coming out until you leave, perv!”.

The old man frowned and said, “Now, I didn’t come here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.” Then, holding the bucket up and smiling, he said, “No, nothing like that. I’m just here to feed the alligator.”

These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms and turn the lights out. The guys are so drunk the won’t know the difference.

30 minutes later the fellas are back out on the street. The first drunk says “my girl was passed out. She never made a peep.” The second drunk shouts, “my was dead. She never moved a muscle!”

The third drunk leans in and whispers conspiratorially, “thems was witches.”

“Witches?” The other two day in unison.

“Yep! I bit mine on the ass and she farted in my face and flew out the window!”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again, he thanked her.

He finished his round, went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.”

He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.

She said she was in sales and he said he was in sales also.

He asked what she sold.

She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”

“No, I wouldn’t.” he said.

She said, “I sell tampons.”

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at!” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”

“Quick, get me a beer before it starts.”

She gets the beer. He chugs it and says “quick, get me another before it starts.”

She obliges. Husband again chugs it and says “quick, get me another beer before it starts.”

The wife replies “if you want another beer you lazy bastard get your fat ass up and get it yourself!”

Husband murmurs “shit, it started.”