Category: Short Funny Jokes

4 doctors from different countries go out for drink

A British doctor says: “In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job.”

The German doctor says: “That’s nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job.”

The Russian doctor says: “Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another’s chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job.”

The American doctor laughs: “You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.

Now, the whole country is looking for a job!” 

The Russian Prime Minister comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish these time zones.

Putin: Why?

Prime Minister: Ah, I can’t find myself with these times. I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. Once, I woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening. I called Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. And then, when I wished the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he said that it was on the next day.

Putin: Well, these are just minor issues.

Prime Minister: Minor issues?! Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with their President? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn’t even taken off yet!!!

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?”

“OK,” said Little Johnny. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. “A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

“Jeez,” said the stranger. “I have no idea.”

“Well, then,” said Little Johnny, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school!”

“But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.” 
“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.” 
“Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!” 
“Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.” 
“Give me two reasons why I should go to school.” 
“Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the Principal!”

The Italian Job

A young New York woman was so despondent that she decided to end her life. She was going to throw herself into the ocean. But, as she ran to the end of the dock, a young man stopped her. “I know what you were about to do. My God! You have so much to live for. Look, I’m a sailor, and my ship is off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away. I know exactly where. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.” With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she HAD always wanted to go to Italy, the young woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her sandwiches, fruit, Poland Spring, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. “What are you doing in here?” demanded the captain. “I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she replied. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy.” Her conscience got the best of her and she added, “The truth is he’s screwing me, too.” “He certainly is,” replied the captain, “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”

A guy is flying in a hot air balloon and is lost

So he lowers himself over a field and shouts to a guy on the ground:

“Can you tell me where I am, and which way I’m headed?”

  • “Sure! You’re at 43 degrees, 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north; 123 degrees, 8 minutes, 12.8 seconds west. You’re at 212 meters above sea level. Right now, you’re hovering, but on your way in here you were at a speed of 1.83 meters per second at 1.929 radians”

“Thanks! By the way, are you a statistician?”

-“I am! But how did you know?”

“Everything you’ve told me is completely accurate; you gave me more detail than I needed, and you told me in such a way that it’s no use to me at all!”

  • “Dang! By the way, are you a principal investigator?”

“Geeze! How’d you know that????”

  • “You don’t know where you are, you don’t know where you’re going. You got where you are by blowing hot air, you start asking questions after you get into trouble, and you’re in exactly the same spot you were a few minutes ago, but now, somehow, it’s my fault!

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”