As the bar closes for the night, he sees a man come out who looks extremely wasted. The man stumbles all over the place, drops his keys, and has trouble finding his car. As the cop is watching him stumble around, all of the other patrons get in their vehicles and leave. The man finally gets in his car and starts it and pulls out. The cop flashes his lights and pulls the man over and tells him he needs to do a field sobriety test. The man gets out of the car and passes the test with no mistakes. The cop gets confused and makes him go through it all again and he passes again. “What’s going on here, how are you sober?” The man looks at him and says “I’m the designated distraction”
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”
The young man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.”
Again the young man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Next the frog yells, “Okay okay, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you FOREVER and do ANYTHING you want.”
Again the young man took the frog out, then he chuckled at it and put it back in his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you forever, and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The young man said, “Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”
So he lowers himself over a field and shouts to a guy on the ground:
“Can you tell me where I am, and which way I’m headed?”
- “Sure! You’re at 43 degrees, 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north; 123 degrees, 8 minutes, 12.8 seconds west. You’re at 212 meters above sea level. Right now, you’re hovering, but on your way in here you were at a speed of 1.83 meters per second at 1.929 radians”
“Thanks! By the way, are you a statistician?”
-“I am! But how did you know?”
“Everything you’ve told me is completely accurate; you gave me more detail than I needed, and you told me in such a way that it’s no use to me at all!”
- “Dang! By the way, are you a principal investigator?”
“Geeze! How’d you know that????”
- “You don’t know where you are, you don’t know where you’re going. You got where you are by blowing hot air, you start asking questions after you get into trouble, and you’re in exactly the same spot you were a few minutes ago, but now, somehow, it’s my fault!
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”
Why was the snow yellow?
Because Elsa let it go!
I am a waiter and I have regular family every week on Monday. I exchange jokes with the youngest boy and he always wins free dessert. This week however he won a free meal for the whole family. I laughed til I made yellow snow
Edit. Did not know it was my cake day! I think this is my first joke post. Just wanted to share.
- Hello, is this 911?
- Yes, what is your emergency?
- I called to inform you that you’re 910 now.
“Put them back, we can’t afford them” demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.”
He is approached by the ranger who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, “I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day.”
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “If you don’t believe me then watch,” as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden, wide-eyed and intrigued, says, “Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water.”
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “What lobsters?”
He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with president trump.” The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, trump is no longer president and no longer resides here.”
The old man said, “Okay”, and walked away.
The following day, the same old man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with president trump.”
The Marine repeated, “Sir, as I told you yesterday, trump is no longer president and no longer resides here.” The man thanked him again and just walked away.
On the third day, the old man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine. “I would like to go in and meet with president trump.”
The Marine, understandably irritated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you’ve been here asking to speak to trump and I’ve told you each time that he’s no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you get it?”
The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”
The Marine snapped to attention and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir.
Blow a whistle and say, “Everyone out of the pool, please!” How do you get 20 Americans out of a pool on a hot summer day? Blow a whistle and say, “For your own good and the safety of others, stay in the fucking pool!”