When he arrived he was told he’d have to take a welding test.
He turned in 2 sets of welds. One was a great weld, the other was a mess.
When the boss asked him why he did this he replied “One is $18/hr, the other is $24/hr”.
A collection of best jokes to enlighten your day
When he arrived he was told he’d have to take a welding test.
He turned in 2 sets of welds. One was a great weld, the other was a mess.
When the boss asked him why he did this he replied “One is $18/hr, the other is $24/hr”.
“Simple”, grins the millionaire.
” I faked my age”.
His friends are really amazed and ask him what age he told her…
he replies: ” I said i was 87″
Two lawyers walk into a restaurant, sit down at a table, order a coffee and pull out sandwiches from their suitcases. An angry waitress approaches them, exclaiming “Excuse me, you can’t eat your own food here!” The lawyers look at her, then at each other and exchange the sandwiches.
A kung-fu student comes to his master:
“Master, why do I seem not to properly develop my kung-fu skills?”
The master takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and says:
“Yes master, I have.”
“Yes master, I have watched them with immense attention”
The master takes another deep breath, and asks:
“Yes master. I have noticed them.”
That’s why. You keep looking at that sh*t and don’t train.
It’s quite time consuming
She gave me a hug.
So he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder. The Russian tells him, “I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows.”
“Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown.”
“And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to be light brown color.”
The prince says, “I rather like the Turkish bulls. Fine specimens indeed.”
“Excellent choice, your majesty. But Turkish bull is special. They is bred for royalty, like you. But if you have royal blood, you must be bonding with bull calf when young, before they change color. Or they will reject you,” the Russian explains.
“Well”, the prince says, “I’m looking for a strong, adult bull. I’m not particularly interested in buying a calf. I rather like this big, beige bull over here.”
The prince attempts to pet the large Turkish bull. It sniffs his hand, shakes its head in disgust, turns around and kicks the prince with its hind legs.
The prince goes flying across the room and lands in a pile of hay.
“Where did you get such a horrible beast?! Why did it kick me!?” He sputters.
“I told you. From Turkey.” The Russian explains. “Is tan bull, can’t stand a noble.”
A passing shepherd calls out “Dinnae drink frae that, it’s all fulla coo piss an shite!”
The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent “I’m terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen’s English?” And the shepherd says “I’m terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?”
She answered the door, and it was their neighbor, Ted. Ted says, “Oh my god Jenny, you look so sexy, in nothing but that towel.”
She appreciates the compliment, but feels a bit uneasy, when Ted continues, “I’ll tell you what – I’ll give you $500 cash right now to drop that towel and show me your body.”
Jenny is shocked, but her family really needs the money. So she drops the towel, and does a slow, coy turn, so that Ted can get a complete eyeful. Ted, true to his word, hands her 5 $100 bills, gives her a big smile, and leaves.
Jenny closes the door and gathers up her towel, when her husband yells out from upstairs, “Honey, was that Ted from next door? He was supposed to bring over the 500 bucks he owes me.”
“I just visited Joe’s Tavern. It’s the best one I ever visited. It even had a solid gold toilet!”
“Cool!” says Ted. He is so excited, he calls up Joe’s Tavern. “My roommate told me all about your solid gold toilet!” he says.
“What?” sputters Joe the bartender on the other line. “We don’t have a solid gold toilet!”
Ted hangs up the phone. “You must have been drunkenly mistaken,” he says. “Joe’s doesn’t have a solid gold toilet.”
“It does so!” responds George. “I’ll prove it to you. I’ll take you to Joe’s tomorrow and show you myself!”
The next day, George brings Ted to Joe’s. He is about to tell Ted where the toilet is, when suddenly, a voice is heard from the other end of the bar:
“HEY, YOU! AREN’T YOU THE D**KHEAD WHO TOOK A S**T IN MY TUBA LAST NIGHT?!”