A collection of best jokes to enlighten your day
A hound dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch. “Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?” a jogger asks.
The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, “Nope.”
As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger’s legs.
As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, “I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!”
The old man mutters, “Ain’t my dog.”
A man brings his cat to a veterinarian. He lives the cat there and returns in two days, as preagreed.
He asks the veterinarian: Is my cat still alive?
Still not…
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his trousers.
Bartender looks up and says, “Hey pal, you’ve got a steering wheel hanging out of your trousers.”
The pirate replies, “Arrrrrrr, it be drivin’ me nuts!”
There were two old ladies sitting on a park bench talking when a flasher came by. The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
The first old lady had a stroke, but the second old lady couldn’t reach it.
On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is Asian, one is Mexican, one is black, and the last one is white. The asian walks to the ledge and says, “This is for all my people” and jumps off the roof. Next, the Mexican walks to the ledge and also says, “This is for all my people” and then he jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy’s turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, “This is for all my people” and then throws the white guy off the roof.
Husband: “Soon we will be married for 10 years. I will get you a nice new car for our anniversary.”
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Wife: “Oh darling. Nothing would please me more!”
And so the husband got her nothing for the anniversary.
A husband asks his wife:
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If I died, would you marry again?
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Oh darling, of course I wouldn’t. I’d go and live with my sister. And if I died, would you remarry?
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No, I think I’d go and live with your sister too.
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning: Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies: “Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back: “Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”f
“I cuddle with my husband about two or three times a week.”
“Yeah? Me just once.”
“Oh, but wait, I thought you were single.”
“Ah I see. I thought we were talking about your husband.”
Girl: One day I will marry. A lot of men will be sad that day.
Boy: Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?