An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells, “Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the operator.
“No you dumbass! It’s her husband!”
Category: Short Funny Jokes
You’ll never go to jail
A man hired a lawyer when he got sued by his company for embezzlement of many millions. At the beginning of the process, the lawyer kindly reassured him: „Don’t worry, you’ll never go to jail with that amount of money.“
And the lawyer was right. When the man did go to jail eventually, he didn’t have a penny anymore.
I look like a tree
Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.
Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.
Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.
Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?
Why aren’t you talking anymore?
Mother: Son, why aren’t you talking to Mark anymore? You used to be really good friends.
–
Son: Well would you like to talk to someone who is kind of stupid, is using drugs and is drinking alcohol every day?
–
Mother: Of course not!
–
Son: Well neither would he.
You should smoke a maximum of five cigarettes a day
Doctor: “You look much worse than you did last week! I said you should smoke a maximum of five cigarettes a day!”
Patient: “And that’s what I did. And it wasn’t easy because up until then I didn’t smoke at all!”
Woman at a maternity hospital
Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, “I’m so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this…”
–
She replies: “Don’t worry Steve, it’s not your fault.”
Make myself at home
I visited my new friend in his flat. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
I’m getting married again next week
An 87-year-old man chats with his doctor: “So, I’m getting married again next week, doc!”
“Oh, that’s wonderful! And how old is the bride?”
“She’s 19.”
“That’s fantastic – but I have to warn you, too much action in the bed can be deadly!”
“Ah well, if she dies, I’ll just have to remarry.”
We do not want children
My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children. If anybody does please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I’m starting to forget things
Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.
Doctor: Since when have you had this condition?
Patient: What condition?