I wish I could go to the Maldives again.”
“Wow, you’ve been to the Maldives?”
“No, but I wished it before.”
Category: Short Funny Jokes
God will help me
A priest falls into water and soon starts to drown. But his faith in God is strong and he knows God will save him.
A small boat rows to him and offers help. “No! God will help me, thank you!” gasps the priest and continues drowning.
A second, bigger boat comes by soon and tries to get the man out of the water. “No!” fights the priest. “God alone will save me!” The boat leaves and the priest finally drowns.
In heaven, he feels quite betrayed and goes to ask God about it.
“Well, you moron,” thunders the Lord, “and who do you think sent all those ships?!”
Give me a beer before trouble starts!
A guy walks into a bar and says urgently to the bartender, “Give me a beer before trouble starts!” He drinks his beer and orders another, again saying, “Give me a beer before trouble starts!” The bartender is confused but lets it go for another two beers, when he finally asks, “Hey man, when are you gonna pay for those beers?” The guy answers, “And now the trouble starts!
You lost the credit card a year ago
Police officer: “Sir, I don’t understand. You lost the credit card a year ago, why are you reporting it now?”
Guy: “The thief wasn’t spending nearly as much as my wife used to…”
Police officer: “But why report it now?”
Guy: “I think the thief’s wife got hold of it now.”
You win $10,000
A police officer stops a car and says: “Congratulations, sir! You are the 1,000,000th car to drive over this bridge – you win $10,000! What will you do with that money?”
The driver gets very emotional and says, “First of all, I’ll finally make my driver’s license!” The wife cuts in, “Don’t listen to him, officer, he’s still drunk!”
A hard-of-hearing granny from the back seat grumbles, “I knew we shouldn’t have taken the stolen car!”
A voice from the trunk adds, “Hey, are we past the border now?”
My wife left me, went away
My wife left me, went away. At first I was sad, lonely and didn’t know what to do with myself. But I bought a motorbike, threw a wild, loud party and got to meet some other women. I think my wife may not be so pleased when she comes back again from work.
How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy
A guy asks his neighbor in an apartment building: “Mr Trepper, you live directly above me and you have the same 2-room apartment as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?
“We got 18 rolls,” answers the neighbor.
Two months later the guy meets his neighbor again and says, “It’s really funny – I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left over.”
Neighbor smiles, “Yeah, so did we.“
There are two people on top of each other in bed
A five-year-old Mikey asks his Grandpa, “Grandpa, what do you call it when there are two people on top of each other in bed?”
–
The Grandpa feels very uncomfortable but decides not to confuse the child and bravely says, “That’s intercourse, my boy.”
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“OK,” nods Mikey and off he goes.
–
He comes back after five minutes and says, “Grandpa, that’s not right. I’ve just spoken to mom and she said that it’s not called intercourse but a bunk bed!”
We fill a bathtub with water
A man to a psychiatrist: “How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”
The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”
The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.”
The Psychiatrist replies: “No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?”
Today I ran from a ticket inspector
Today I ran from a ticket inspector. He chased me through half the train. When he finally caught me, he wasn’t very amused to find that I actually do have the ticket.