Category: Short Funny Jokes

It ain’t Paddy

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over”.

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said “Nope, it ain’t Paddy.”

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Paddy.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Sean said, “Well, Paddy had two arseholes.”

“What? He had two arseholes?” asked the mortician.

“Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes….'”

This blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work

This blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work. She knocks on one door and a handsome older man opens it up.

“Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?”

He looks her up and down and surmises that she’s an idiot whom he can take advantage of.

“I’ll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There’s paint, brushes, ladders and everything you’ll need next to the car in the garage.”

“Sure, sounds great!”

The man closes the door, chuckling at what a great deal he’s just brokered. Half an hour later, there’s another knock at the door. He opens it up and there’s the blonde.

“You’re finished already?” he asked her incredulously.

“Yeah! It isn’t really that big! But I think you should know, that’s not a porch. It’s a Jaguar!”

How do you fit a giraffe in a refrigerator?

  1. How do you fit a giraffe in a refrigerator?

Open the fridge up and put it in there.

  1. How do you fit an elephant in the refrigerator?

Open it up, take the giraffe out, and put it in there.

  1. The king of the jungle calls a meeting. All the animals are there except for one. Which animal is missing?

The elephant because it’s still in the refrigerator.

  1. There’s a crocodile infested river you have to cross. How do you cross it?

Walk across because the crocodiles are at the lion’s meeting.

Bananas in ears

A guy is walking down the street with bananas in his ears, another guy walk up to him and says”here m8 do you know you have bananas in your ears?”

The other guy looks at him and pulls the bananas out his ears and says”what was that? I couldn’t hear you there I had bananas in my ears”