My wife asked me how many women I slept with so far. I said, “Only you, my darling, only you. I was awake with all the rest of them.”
Category: Marriage Jokes
Your husband needs to rest and not get upset
A woman is at a doctor after her husband’s check-up.
The doctor looks serious and says, “Mrs Connelly, your husband is very sick. He needs to rest and not get upset. I will prescribe you some sleeping pills.”
“Ok,” nods Mrs Connelly, “and how often should he take those?”
“Oh, they’re not for him, Mrs Connelly, they’re for you.”
When did you get to know your wife?
When did you get to know your wife?
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Sadly, about a week after the wedding.
Push honey! Come on and push!
I shouted at my wife while she was in labor: “Push honey! Come on and push! You have to push harder!”
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She said: “Stop talking to me you cretin!”
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I mean what did she expect? It’s an old car and if she wants to get to the hospital we need to get it started somehow…
Nothing would please me more!
Husband: “Soon we will be married for 10 years. I will get you a nice new car for our anniversary.”
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Wife: “Oh darling. Nothing would please me more!”
And so the husband got her nothing for the anniversary.
If I died, would you marry again?
A husband asks his wife:
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If I died, would you marry again?
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Oh darling, of course I wouldn’t. I’d go and live with my sister. And if I died, would you remarry?
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No, I think I’d go and live with your sister too.
Why on Earth did you hit your husband with a chair?
Judge: Why on Earth did you hit your husband with a chair?
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Wife: Because the table was too heavy.
Windows are totally frozen, will not open
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning: Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies: “Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back: “Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”f
Husband takes his wife to a disco
Husband takes his wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor dancing like a king –moonwalking, break dancing, head spins, the works. The wife turns to her husband and sighs: “You see that man? 25 years ago he asked me to marry him and I said no.”
Husband says: “Yep, it looks like he’s still celebrating!!”
When we’re married, we’ll have three kids
Woman says to her fiancé: “When we’re married, we’ll have three kids. A brown-haired girl and two blonde boys.
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Fiancé: “How can you tell with such precision?”
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Woman: „Because I told my parents I’ll finally pick up the kids from them once we’re married.“