Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.
You don’t need make-up, Jane.
Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of you!
You need plastic surgery.
Category: Marriage Jokes
Woman at a maternity hospital
Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, “I’m so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this…”
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She replies: “Don’t worry Steve, it’s not your fault.”
Digging in our garden
I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I’m digging in our garden.
A marriage just like a fairy tale
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale.
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Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.
I’m getting married again next week
An 87-year-old man chats with his doctor: “So, I’m getting married again next week, doc!”
“Oh, that’s wonderful! And how old is the bride?”
“She’s 19.”
“That’s fantastic – but I have to warn you, too much action in the bed can be deadly!”
“Ah well, if she dies, I’ll just have to remarry.”
We do not want children
My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children. If anybody does please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Who do you let in first?
Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog, of course. At least he’ll shut up after you let him in.
How were people born?
A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
My dad should embrace his mistakes
I told my dad that he should embrace his mistakes. He had tears in his eyes. Then he hugged my sister and me.
Are you taking the donkey for a walk?
Husband leaves the house with the dog.
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Wife asks: “Are you taking the donkey for a walk?”
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Husband: “You mean the dog, right?”
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Wife: “Shush, I am talking to the dog!”