A collection of best jokes to enlighten your day
To test this, he goes a few feet behind her, and softly whispers “Honey, can you hear me?”
There is no response, so he takes a step forward, and softly says again “Honey, can you hear me?” Again, there is no response
The husband goes right behind his wife, and again says “Honey can you hear me?”
The wife turns around and says “For the third time, yes”
Find a woman who makes you laugh; find a woman who turns you on; find a woman who can cook; find a woman who wants to build a life with you and take care of you in old age. Make sure these four women never meet.
When she hears a knock on the door.
Upon answering the door, she sees it is two of her husband’s friends and co-workers.
“Mary,” says the first co-worker, “I’m afraid we have some terrible news. You see, there was an accident at the factory today, and your husband fell into a vat of the Guinness.”
“My God!” Exclaims Mary, “will he be alright, how badly is he hurt!?”
“Well,” says the co-worker, “the fact is Mary, he didn’t make it, he drowned.”
“No!” Sobs Mary. “Please, tell me it was at least a quick death, and painless?”
“Well, you see, the thing of it is Mary, he got out three times to pee.”
I’m still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.
We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend’s yacht. Then we’ll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me.
Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can’t go.
Every night, she’s roaming from one bar to another. She has to stop it. Marriage counselor: Is she an alcoholic?
Me: No, she’s looking for me
Wife gets angry and says “and you are stubborn, arrogant, a low life who cares about no one but yourself. All you are interested in is your own self, all your life you have not fulfilled even one of your promises. You good for nothing, fat, ugly man. Even your hair transplant failed.”
Husband: “Calm down, I was just informing you that your Covid test is negative.”
Wife: “Oh! Sorry honey!”
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two women and a man. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the women to a large metal door and handed her a gun. ‘We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your husband sitting in a chair …. Kill him!!’
The woman said, ‘You can’t be serious I could never shoot my husband .’
The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right woman for this job. Take your husband and go home.’
The second woman was given the same instructions. She took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet forabout 5 minutes.
The woman came out with tears in her eyes, ‘I tried, But I can’t kill my husband .’ The agent said, ‘You don’t have what it takes. Take your husband and go home.’
Finally, it was the man’s turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow.
‘This gun is loaded with blanks’ he said. ‘I had to kill her with the fucking chair!’
The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”
“Six,” replied the woman.
After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.
At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t know what to do.
And before the judge smacked the mallet down to make it final, her husband entered into the courtroom and yelled, “your honor, wait!”
The judge froze and listened to what the husband wanted to say.
“She also stole a can of peas!”
“Oh Ken, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.” Ken replied, “My wife loves this beard, there is no way I could shave it, she would kill me!!”. “Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice. Ken sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.
That night Ken crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. His wife woke up, reached over and felt his face and said, “Oh Tony, you shouldn’t be here, my husband will be home soon!”
A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations, you’re a father of twins.”
The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence, because I work for the Minnesota Twins.”
The nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of triplets.”
The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence, I work for the 3M Company.”
The nurse tells the third guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of quadruplets.”
The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence, I work for the four seasons hotel.”
The last man is freaking out and banging his head against the wall.
The nurse asks him, “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
He replies, “No, I’m screwed! I work for 7UP.”