A collection of best jokes to enlighten your day
“Sorry, but we’re short-handed,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”
“Thanks, boss,” says the employee. “I knew I could count on you!”
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?” “Okay,” I said.
She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa… naked.
“My wife loves cats. But she’s got 40 of them and they cause a gruesome smell in our flat.”
–
“I guess you should air more often to battle that.”
–
“No can do, if we opened the windows, my 150 pigeons would fly away”
Tom and Anna are both 60 years old and have been married for 40 years.
One day they go for a walk and all of a sudden a good fairy stands in front of them and says, “You’ve been married for so long and you’re so cute together, I’ll grant you a wish each.”
The woman is beside herself with joy and wishes for a trip to Thailand. Poof – she’s holding two tickets to Thailand and a five star hotel voucher for two.
–
The man says, “Wow, that’s one chance in a lifetime! I’m sorry, darling, but I wish I had a wife that’s 30 years younger than me.”
–
“Are you sure?” asks the fairy.
–
“Yes!” replies Tom without hesitation.
–
Poof once more – and he’s 90.
A guy goes to the information desk in a supermarket and says, “ I’m looking for insulation wool for my hobby room.”
The clerk apologizes that they sell no such thing, perhaps he’d be more lucky at a Home Depot.
“OK,” agrees the man, “all jokes aside, I’m looking for tampons for my wife.”
Police officer: “Sir, I don’t understand. You lost the credit card a year ago, why are you reporting it now?”
Guy: “The thief wasn’t spending nearly as much as my wife used to…”
Police officer: “But why report it now?”
Guy: “I think the thief’s wife got hold of it now.”
A woman looking for a relationship places an ad, saying, “Looking for a guy that won’t beat me, won’t run away on me and will satisfy me nicely. Am good looking, excellent cook.”
Three days later, there’s a loud knocking at her door. Behind it there’s a guy with no arms and no legs, smiling expectantly. “Dear Amy,” he says, “I have no arms so I couldn’t even beat you if I tried. I have no legs and I can’t run away on you. I’m your guy.”
“That’s very nice,” says Amy, surprised, “but how will you be able to satisfy me?”
His smile widens, “You did hear the knocking, didn’t you?”
My wife left me, went away. At first I was sad, lonely and didn’t know what to do with myself. But I bought a motorbike, threw a wild, loud party and got to meet some other women. I think my wife may not be so pleased when she comes back again from work.
An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells, “Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the operator.
“No you dumbass! It’s her husband!”
Two men are discussing their lives. One says, “I’m getting married. I’m sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear.”
The other one says, “Hey, I’m getting divorced for the same reasons.”