A collection of best jokes to enlighten your day
A man hired a lawyer when he got sued by his company for embezzlement of many millions. At the beginning of the process, the lawyer kindly reassured him: „Don’t worry, you’ll never go to jail with that amount of money.“
And the lawyer was right. When the man did go to jail eventually, he didn’t have a penny anymore.
At a first date:
He: “I work with animals every day!”
She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”
He: “I’m a butcher.”
Dad: I have a very secure job. There’s nobody else who would want it.
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities.I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
Three months down the road there is a major drama in the office and the manager feels very threatened by it all.
He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope.
The message inside says “Blame your predecessor!”
He does this and gets off the hook.
About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems.
The manager quickly opens the second envelope.
The message read, “Reorganize!”
He starts to reorganize and the company quickly rebounds.
Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope.
The message inside says, “Prepare three envelopes.”
Teacher: Did you finish your homework?
Kid: Did you finish grading my test?
Teacher: I have other children’s tests to grade
Kid: I have other teachers homework to do
Oh, they were laughing when I told them I’m becoming a stand-up comedian. Well, ha! They’re not laughing now!
Wherever I go, I’m greeted with much warmth.
Derek, 53, Fireman
Bob is a businessman. He is about to have a very important meeting in a hotel conference room next to the airport. On his flight in, Bob is seated next to Bill Gates.
After some small talk, Bob says, “Hey, Bill. If you have a few minutes to spare, it would really mean the world to me if you could just pop in my meeting and say hello like you know me. I’m sure that would make my meeting go over really well and I’d appear connected in the IT industry.”
Bill agrees and about 10 minutes after the meeting starts, bill opens the door to bobs conference room and says, “Hey, Bob. How are you?”
Bob shouts back, “Fuck off, Bill. Can’t you see I’m in a meeting?”
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Meat!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”