A collection of best jokes to enlighten your day
A man goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”
“OK, have you ever been in the military service?”
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”
The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.”
Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the third time he said, “Look, if you don’t let me unlock the damn door you’re never going to get in there!”
In the seventies, Soviet party members decide on establishing the first strip club in Moscow
They plan out everything, yet somehow there’s next to no income. After some discussion, they decide on inviting two American experts to inspect the place.
The Americans look around for a minute, then tell the head of the Soviet delegation: “The position of this club is perfect. The food is excellent. The atmosphere is grandiose. The drinks are extraordinary. But the stripper has to go.”
“Impossibe!” says the Soviet organiser. “She is the perfect woman for the job, she has been a loyal member of the Communist Party for the past 60 years!!”
As the bar closes for the night, he sees a man come out who looks extremely wasted. The man stumbles all over the place, drops his keys, and has trouble finding his car. As the cop is watching him stumble around, all of the other patrons get in their vehicles and leave. The man finally gets in his car and starts it and pulls out. The cop flashes his lights and pulls the man over and tells him he needs to do a field sobriety test. The man gets out of the car and passes the test with no mistakes. The cop gets confused and makes him go through it all again and he passes again. “What’s going on here, how are you sober?” The man looks at him and says “I’m the designated distraction”
He is approached by the ranger who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, “I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day.”
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “If you don’t believe me then watch,” as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden, wide-eyed and intrigued, says, “Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water.”
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “What lobsters?”
The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, “How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck.” But he pays it anyways.
The plumber tells him, “Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don’t like educated people.”
The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn’t have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.
On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks Dave, “What is the formula for the area of a circle?”
Dave walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn’t belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering,
“Switch the limits on the integral!”
After a while, it’s obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they’re giving each other looks. Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it’s pitch black. There’s a sound of a kiss, followed by the sound of a slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.” The Project manager is sitting there thinking, “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped me!” The young woman was sitting and thinking, “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother hadn’t slapped him!” While the young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face, thinking:
“Life is good. How often does a guy get the chance to kiss a beautiful girl, and slap his Project Manager at the same time.”
He banged and shouted ‘ can we have a little respect please!’
I shouted back…, ‘I’m not a big Erasure fan, but ok this one’s for you!’
A King asked his servant to look for five biggest idiots in his state and produce them in his court within a month.
After a month’s extensive search operations, the servant brought to the court only two people!
“But I asked for five”, the king said angrily
“Give me a chance to present them one by one”, the servant pleaded and went on to present his idiots:
“Sire, this man, while travelling in a bullock cart, was keeping his luggage on his head so as not to hurt the bullocks. He is the first idiot.
Pointing to the second man the servant continued, “And this man here is the second idiot. Some grass grew on the roof of his thatched house and he was trying to force his cow climb up a ladder to graze on them.”
The servant continued, “sire, there were a lot of importants jobs for me to do in the state, but I ignored them and wasted a precious month in searching for idiots. According to me I am the third idiot.”
The king paused here for a moment.
“Who are the fourth and fifth idiots?”, the king thundered.
“Beg your pardon, sire”, the servant continued, “You are the King and are responsible for the wellbeing of the entire state and its people. You need wise persons to help you oversee the state affairs. Instead of looking for wise people you engaged me to look for idiots. According to me you are the fourth idiot.
And, sire, the person who is glued to this post, keeping aside all his high priority assignments, oblivious of pressing needs of his family, just to learn who is the fifth idiot, is the fifth idiot himself.