Bridge to Hawaii

One day, a man found a lamp in an old antique store and when he picked it up, POOF a genie popped out.
“I shall grant you anything you wish, but choose wisely, because I can only grant one.” The genie said.
The man thought for a moment before saying, “I want a bridge from California to Hawaii so I can go there whenever I want.”
The genie considered the enormity of the wish and started to bargain with the man. “Are you sure? I could grant you gold and riches, power, fame and fortune. Is this bridge really what you want?”
Hearing this the man reconsidered. After several minutes of deliberation, he finally changed his wish, “Ok, Genie, I want to know what makes women tick.”
The genie was silent for a moment, deep in thought. Then he began rubbing his palms together. “Ok,” he said as his hands started to smoke, “So this bridge, did you want one lane or two?”

This joke is in loving memory of my grandpa, who would be 99 today. The cleanest joke he ever told, cheers, Pa.

A man asks his doctor: “Do you think I’ll live to be a hundred?”

The doctor asks the man “Well, that depends. Do you drink?”

“Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water.”

“Do you smoke?”

“No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke.”

“Do you eat a lot of sugary and greasy foods?”

“No, sir! I carefully watch my diet and caloric intake, and I’m sure to eat plenty of vegetables.”

“Do you go to parties? Stay up late? Are you sexually promiscuous?”

“Not at all! Early to bed and early to rise! And abstinence is key.”

The doctor raises an eyebrow at the man. “So… Why exactly do you want to live to be a hundred?”

A Nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: “A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!”

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewhat miffed the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says “A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that Jew!”

Once again while everyone is cheering he turns back to the Jew grinning evilly but is shocked to see the Jew still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the Nazi’s direction.

The Nazi turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth “A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar except for that Jew”.

The Nazi satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the Jew smiling broadly at him and waving.

Furiously the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says “What the hell is wrong with that Jew? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?”

The bartender replies “Neither. He’s the owner of the bar.”

The genie of the lamp

Two neighbours, one is rich and the other is poor.

The poor have a magic lamp : Every morning,he wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : “Ask what you want” ,and the poor asks for a cup of tea.

The rich neighbour,envious of the magic lamp,said to the poor : i’ll give you my car and my house in exchange of the lamp.” The poor accepted the deal.

The rich man wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : “Ask what you want” he asked for a very big house and a better car.the genie replied : « Sorry sir,i only serve tea and coffee »

Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says

“Well thank you! Whatcha gonna to do about it?”

Johnny burst into tears. “Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?”

“This is the worst day of my life,” Johnny says. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman, and then my dog bit me. So, I come to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve, and then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how’s your day going?”

The airplane was filled with people to the last seat, everyone was waiting for the pilot and co-pilot to arrive.

Finally they come. The people can see them through the windows, they get inside the plane and the passengers are freaked out. Both pilot and co-pilot are wearing blindfolds marking them as blind, have white canes with them and dark sunglasses. The people freak out a bit, but after both of them get into the cockpit and start the plane, they calm down and are convinced it was just a stupid joke. So the plane starts rolling, and rolling and rolling on the runway. This airport runway is ending at a cliff, and the plane approaches it and doesn’t seem to make any attempts to start. The people start screaming in panic, in this moment the plane takes off into the sky and everyone calms down. In the cockpit the co-pilot turns to the pilot and grumbles: “You know, one day they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all going to die.”

A priest, an alcoholic, and an engineer are sentenced to death.

They are to be killed by the guillotine.

First is the priest. The executioner says “You can go on the guillotine either face up or face down”. The priest says “I want to die face up, looking up to the heavens”. So the priest lies face up. The executioner releases the blade; the blade falls rapidly but suddenly stops just 1 inch from the priest’s neck. Given the miracle, the priest is allowed to walk free.

Next comes the alcoholic. The executioner offers him the same choice, “Do you want to lie facing up or facing down?”. The alcoholic says “I want to face up… to remember my glorious drinking days”. So the alcoholic lies face up. The executioner releases the blade, and again, it suddenly stops just 1 inch from the man’s neck. Given the miracle, the alcoholic is allowed to walk free.

Finally, it’s the engineer’s turn. Once again, the executioner offers him the same choice, “Face up or face down?”. The engineer scratches his head and says “face up I guess”. So the engineer lies face up. Just as the executioner is about to release the blade, the engineer starts shouting. “WAIT WAIT!! …. I found the problem!”.