A collection of best jokes to enlighten your day
A passing shepherd calls out “Dinnae drink frae that, it’s all fulla coo piss an shite!”
The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent “I’m terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen’s English?” And the shepherd says “I’m terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?”
She answered the door, and it was their neighbor, Ted. Ted says, “Oh my god Jenny, you look so sexy, in nothing but that towel.”
She appreciates the compliment, but feels a bit uneasy, when Ted continues, “I’ll tell you what – I’ll give you $500 cash right now to drop that towel and show me your body.”
Jenny is shocked, but her family really needs the money. So she drops the towel, and does a slow, coy turn, so that Ted can get a complete eyeful. Ted, true to his word, hands her 5 $100 bills, gives her a big smile, and leaves.
Jenny closes the door and gathers up her towel, when her husband yells out from upstairs, “Honey, was that Ted from next door? He was supposed to bring over the 500 bucks he owes me.”
“I just visited Joe’s Tavern. It’s the best one I ever visited. It even had a solid gold toilet!”
“Cool!” says Ted. He is so excited, he calls up Joe’s Tavern. “My roommate told me all about your solid gold toilet!” he says.
“What?” sputters Joe the bartender on the other line. “We don’t have a solid gold toilet!”
Ted hangs up the phone. “You must have been drunkenly mistaken,” he says. “Joe’s doesn’t have a solid gold toilet.”
“It does so!” responds George. “I’ll prove it to you. I’ll take you to Joe’s tomorrow and show you myself!”
The next day, George brings Ted to Joe’s. He is about to tell Ted where the toilet is, when suddenly, a voice is heard from the other end of the bar:
“HEY, YOU! AREN’T YOU THE D**KHEAD WHO TOOK A S**T IN MY TUBA LAST NIGHT?!”
“I should be in charge,” said the brain , “Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”
“I should be in charge,” said the blood , “Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you’d waste away.”
“I should be in charge,” said the stomach,” Because I process food and give all of you energy.”
“I should be in charge,” said the legs, “because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.”
“I should be in charge,” said the eyes, “Because I allow the body to see where it goes.”
“I should be in charge,” said the rectum, “Because Im responsible for waste removal.”
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work…. The ass hole is usually in charge
They take a seat, the ladies chat with one another across the table, as do the gents.
Fred asks Harold “Are you still going to that memory clinic?”
Harold says “Yes, it’s been helping my memory a lot, I recommend you come along to our next session”
“What do they do there?” asks Fred.
“They teach us to remember things through word association” replies Harold.
Fred says “I might have to give it a try, what’s the name of the clinic?”
Harold pauses for a while, trying to remember,
he says “Ummm, ahh, hang on… um… what’s the name of that beautiful flower, the one that has thorns?”
Fred says “That’d be a rose, Harold.
Harold turns to his wife and says “Rose!, what’s the name of that clinic I go to?”
A guy is with a friend. He points to another guy down the street and says “Look, that’s the town idiot. I’ll show you. I do this every week”
He then hollers at the other guy
” Hey Kevin! Here, a gift for you, and you get to choose! One $20 bill, or five $1 bills?”
Kevin happily grabs the five notes and leaves. The guy laughs at him.
The friend happens to meet Kevin later and asks him why he picked the five bills. Doesn’t he know 20 is more than 5×1?
“Yes” replies Kevin. “But the day I pick the 20 he’ll stop giving me money”.
“I was in the mood for a drink so I biked to the local liquor store to buy a bottle of whiskey. At first I was planning to bike home with the bottle in my bike basket but I’m not an idiot and knew it would break if I crashed so I drank it in the parking lot. Thank god I did because I crashed 12 times on the way home.”
I asked my wife to be a panda, my kid to be a koala and I went as a grizzly. My wife didn’t get the joke, so I said I will tell you when we get to the party… At the party I still refused to tell her and told her to be patient, so when we left…I simply turned to her and said, thanks for bearing with me!
The man is perplexed and decides to pull over to investigate. After parking he walks up to the porch where a man is sitting in a rocking chair enjoying the day.
The driver asks “I saw your sign about a talking dog? Where can I see this dog?”
To which the man rocking simply points to the backyard and says “in his house along the back fence”
The driver begins to walk to the side of the house, along the side of the house and into the backyard where he sees a dog laying in front of a dog house.
The driver asked the dog “are you the talking dog?”
The dog simply replies “yup”
To which the driver replies “that’s amazing how did you learn to talk”
The dog begins ..” when I was a puppy the CIA picked me up and brought me in and taught me how to speak several different languages. One of my languages was Arabic. The Iraq War brakes out and they decided to send me over to Iraq and collect information. Who is going to expect that a dog could understand Arabic, right? Well then the war ends and I win a Bronze Star. I return to the US and I join the TSA. I sniff out drugs, guns, explosives and win all sorts of accolades. I eventually retire, find myself a nice bitch, have some puppies who grow up and move out and this is where I finally retire too.”
The driver who is absolutely stunned at this point looks at the dog and says “that’s amazing“ and then swiftly walks back to the front of the house.
When he gets to the front of the house he confronts the homeowner and says “$5?! That’s all you want for that talking dog is $5?!
To which the homeowner replies “That dog is a liar, he’s never done any of that stuff”
I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone “It’s what he would have wanted”