A kung-fu student comes to his master…

A kung-fu student comes to his master:

“Master, why do I seem not to properly develop my kung-fu skills?”

The master takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and says:

  • My student. Have you ever noticed the flaming seagulls flying beneath the sun on sunset?

“Yes master, I have.”

  • But have you closely watched the waterfall and the way water falls on rocks without moving them?

“Yes master, I have watched them with immense attention”

The master takes another deep breath, and asks:

  • HAVE YOU… watched how the smallest creatures may thrive even on the most inhospitable habitats?

“Yes master. I have noticed them.”

That’s why. You keep looking at that sh*t and don’t train.

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull

So he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder. The Russian tells him, “I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows.”

“Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown.”

“And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to be light brown color.”

The prince says, “I rather like the Turkish bulls. Fine specimens indeed.”

“Excellent choice, your majesty. But Turkish bull is special. They is bred for royalty, like you. But if you have royal blood, you must be bonding with bull calf when young, before they change color. Or they will reject you,” the Russian explains.

“Well”, the prince says, “I’m looking for a strong, adult bull. I’m not particularly interested in buying a calf. I rather like this big, beige bull over here.”

The prince attempts to pet the large Turkish bull. It sniffs his hand, shakes its head in disgust, turns around and kicks the prince with its hind legs.

The prince goes flying across the room and lands in a pile of hay.

“Where did you get such a horrible beast?! Why did it kick me!?” He sputters.

“I told you. From Turkey.” The Russian explains. “Is tan bull, can’t stand a noble.”

An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream.

A passing shepherd calls out “Dinnae drink frae that, it’s all fulla coo piss an shite!”

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent “I’m terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen’s English?” And the shepherd says “I’m terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?”

Jenny just got out of the shower, and was wearing just a towel, when the doorbell rang

She answered the door, and it was their neighbor, Ted. Ted says, “Oh my god Jenny, you look so sexy, in nothing but that towel.”

She appreciates the compliment, but feels a bit uneasy, when Ted continues, “I’ll tell you what – I’ll give you $500 cash right now to drop that towel and show me your body.”

Jenny is shocked, but her family really needs the money. So she drops the towel, and does a slow, coy turn, so that Ted can get a complete eyeful. Ted, true to his word, hands her 5 $100 bills, gives her a big smile, and leaves.

Jenny closes the door and gathers up her towel, when her husband yells out from upstairs, “Honey, was that Ted from next door? He was supposed to bring over the 500 bucks he owes me.”

George comes home to his apartment, drunk as a skunk, and says to his roommate Ted

“I just visited Joe’s Tavern. It’s the best one I ever visited. It even had a solid gold toilet!”

“Cool!” says Ted. He is so excited, he calls up Joe’s Tavern. “My roommate told me all about your solid gold toilet!” he says.

“What?” sputters Joe the bartender on the other line. “We don’t have a solid gold toilet!”

Ted hangs up the phone. “You must have been drunkenly mistaken,” he says. “Joe’s doesn’t have a solid gold toilet.”

“It does so!” responds George. “I’ll prove it to you. I’ll take you to Joe’s tomorrow and show you myself!”

The next day, George brings Ted to Joe’s. He is about to tell Ted where the toilet is, when suddenly, a voice is heard from the other end of the bar:


All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge……

“I should be in charge,” said the brain , “Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”

“I should be in charge,” said the blood , “Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you’d waste away.”

“I should be in charge,” said the stomach,” Because I process food and give all of you energy.”

“I should be in charge,” said the legs, “because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.”

“I should be in charge,” said the eyes, “Because I allow the body to see where it goes.”

“I should be in charge,” said the rectum, “Because Im responsible for waste removal.”

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss

The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work…. The ass hole is usually in charge