Author: Yinny

They take a seat, the ladies chat with one another across the table, as do the gents.

Fred asks Harold “Are you still going to that memory clinic?”

Harold says “Yes, it’s been helping my memory a lot, I recommend you come along to our next session”

“What do they do there?” asks Fred.

“They teach us to remember things through word association” replies Harold.

Fred says “I might have to give it a try, what’s the name of the clinic?”

Harold pauses for a while, trying to remember,

he says “Ummm, ahh, hang on… um… what’s the name of that beautiful flower, the one that has thorns?”

Fred says “That’d be a rose, Harold.

Harold turns to his wife and says “Rose!, what’s the name of that clinic I go to?”

A guy is with a friend. He points to another guy down the street and says “Look, that’s the town idiot. I’ll show you. I do this every week”

He then hollers at the other guy

” Hey Kevin! Here, a gift for you, and you get to choose! One $20 bill, or five $1 bills?”

Kevin happily grabs the five notes and leaves. The guy laughs at him.

The friend happens to meet Kevin later and asks him why he picked the five bills. Doesn’t he know 20 is more than 5×1?

“Yes” replies Kevin. “But the day I pick the 20 he’ll stop giving me money”.

“I was in the mood for a drink so I biked to the local liquor store to buy a bottle of whiskey. At first I was planning to bike home with the bottle in my bike basket but I’m not an idiot and knew it would break if I crashed so I drank it in the parking lot. Thank god I did because I crashed 12 times on the way home.”

I asked my wife to be a panda, my kid to be a koala and I went as a grizzly. My wife didn’t get the joke, so I said I will tell you when we get to the party… At the party I still refused to tell her and told her to be patient, so when we left…I simply turned to her and said, thanks for bearing with me!

The man is perplexed and decides to pull over to investigate. After parking he walks up to the porch where a man is sitting in a rocking chair enjoying the day.

The driver asks “I saw your sign about a talking dog? Where can I see this dog?”

To which the man rocking simply points to the backyard and says “in his house along the back fence”

The driver begins to walk to the side of the house, along the side of the house and into the backyard where he sees a dog laying in front of a dog house.

The driver asked the dog “are you the talking dog?”

The dog simply replies “yup”

To which the driver replies “that’s amazing how did you learn to talk”

The dog begins ..” when I was a puppy the CIA picked me up and brought me in and taught me how to speak several different languages. One of my languages was Arabic. The Iraq War brakes out and they decided to send me over to Iraq and collect information. Who is going to expect that a dog could understand Arabic, right? Well then the war ends and I win a Bronze Star. I return to the US and I join the TSA. I sniff out drugs, guns, explosives and win all sorts of accolades. I eventually retire, find myself a nice bitch, have some puppies who grow up and move out and this is where I finally retire too.”

The driver who is absolutely stunned at this point looks at the dog and says “that’s amazing“ and then swiftly walks back to the front of the house.

When he gets to the front of the house he confronts the homeowner and says “$5?! That’s all you want for that talking dog is $5?!

To which the homeowner replies “That dog is a liar, he’s never done any of that stuff”

I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone “It’s what he would have wanted”

One day, a man found a lamp in an old antique store and when he picked it up, POOF a genie popped out.
“I shall grant you anything you wish, but choose wisely, because I can only grant one.” The genie said.
The man thought for a moment before saying, “I want a bridge from California to Hawaii so I can go there whenever I want.”
The genie considered the enormity of the wish and started to bargain with the man. “Are you sure? I could grant you gold and riches, power, fame and fortune. Is this bridge really what you want?”
Hearing this the man reconsidered. After several minutes of deliberation, he finally changed his wish, “Ok, Genie, I want to know what makes women tick.”
The genie was silent for a moment, deep in thought. Then he began rubbing his palms together. “Ok,” he said as his hands started to smoke, “So this bridge, did you want one lane or two?”

This joke is in loving memory of my grandpa, who would be 99 today. The cleanest joke he ever told, cheers, Pa.