We got divorced on the grounds of religious differences. My husband thought he was God.
Category: Marriage Jokes
Wife arrives home late
Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!
Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.
Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
“Oh welcome home darling,” he says, “my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello.”
This will hurt a little
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”
A very feeling man
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.
His opponent comments: “That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man.” The man, recovering himself, replies, “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
What about our child?
“I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I’m leaving you!”
“But honey, what about our child?”
“What child?!”
“Oh, so you’re not pregnant?”
Very happy twenty years
My husband and I had a very happy twenty years. After that we met.
Anger management
An elderly couple talk in the evening:
“Honey, I’m so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?”
“I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.”
“And that helps?”
“Yes, because I’m using your toothbrush.”
The girl dressed all in white
A little boy looks at his mum at a wedding and says, “Mummy, why is the girl dressed all in white?”
His mum answers, “The girls is called a bride and she is in white because she’s very happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”
The boy nods and then says, “OK, and why is the boy all in black?”
It’s been raining for days now
It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it.
He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.
Marriage is an institution of three rings
Marriage is an institution of three rings. Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.