I saw a poster today, somebody was asking “Have you seen my cat?” So I called the number and said that I didn’t. – I like to help where I can.
Category: Animal Jokes
Granddad, can I have a dog?
A Chinese boy pleads with his Grandpa, “Granddad, can I have a dog? Please???!!!“
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Two hours later says Grandpa, “Enjoy your meal, my boy.”
I work with animals every day!
At a first date:
He: “I work with animals every day!”
She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”
He: “I’m a butcher.”
Outrun the bear?
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.
The second lawyer looked at him and said, “You’re crazy! You’ll never be able to outrun that bear!”
“I don’t have to,” the first lawyer replied. “I only have to outrun you.”
Does your dog bite?
A hound dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch. “Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?” a jogger asks.
The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, “Nope.”
As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger’s legs.
As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, “I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!”
The old man mutters, “Ain’t my dog.”
Who do you let in first?
Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog, of course. At least he’ll shut up after you let him in.
Big hole for a goldfish
One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard. The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate. “Hello Johnny, what are you up to?” he asked.
“My goldfish died and I’m gonna bury him,” Johnny replied.
“That’s a really big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” asked the neighbor.
“That’s because he’s inside your cat!”
Which one is married?
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”
“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.” “Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?”
“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone.” “No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
No honey for you for one month!
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, “No honey for you for one month!”
Later that afternoon, Johnny’s dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. “That’s it! No butter for you for one month!” says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny’s mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, “Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?”
Is my cat still alive?
A man brings his cat to a veterinarian. He lives the cat there and returns in two days, as preagreed.
He asks the veterinarian: Is my cat still alive?
Still not…