Category: Animal Jokes

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. “Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don’t want a boring or normal pet – no cats, dogs, or birds – I want something different.” The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. “Really?,” the main replied, “How much?” The owner informs him that the talking centipede is $50. Happy with the unusual offering, the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.

On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says “Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?” The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey, he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.

An hour later he opens the match box and says “Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?” The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn’t talk, he will take it back to the shop for a refund.

An hour later the man opens the match box and says “Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks!?” The centipede says “I heard you the first time!!! I’m putting my shoes on!”

Two snails are chatting on the sidewalk. “I’ll have to cross the road,” says one.

“Well, be careful,” says the other one, “there’s a bus coming in an hour.“

Does your horse smoke?
[No.]
Well, then I think your stable is burning.

90 year old man to a doctor : which style is best for sex in my age?

Doctor : Dog style.

Old man : Oh you mean 4 arms behind?

Doctor : No no just smell and leave