Now I have stable wifi.
When he gets to his hotel room, he feels bed, “wow this bed is big!”
“Everything is big in Texas” says the bellhop The man heads downstairs to the bar sits on a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands, “wow these drinks are big.” “Everything is big in Texas” says the bartender” After downing a few, the blind man asks for the bathroom. “Second door to the right”says the bartender The blind man heads to the bathroom but accidentally opens the door that leads to the swimming pool and falls in. Popping his head from underwater, he flails his arms and shouts “Don’t flush! Don’t flush!
“Give me two shots of Jack Daniels,” he says to the bartender. “One for me, and one for you.”
“You know I don’t drink on the job,” the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.
Downing the drink, the man replies, “And that’s why I like you better than my barber.”
He leans over and asks her “Do you mind if I sit with you?”.
The girl answers loudly “Hell no I don’t want to sleep with you, you fucking pervert!!!”
Everybody in the library looks at the guy and he feels humiliated.
After a few minutes, the girl walks over to him and softly says “I am a psychology student and I knew what you were thinking. I guess you were humiliated, right?”
The guy answers back loudly “200 bucks for a blow job? Are you fucking kidding me?”.
Everybody looks at the girl and she feels humiliated.
Then the guy says “well I am a lawyer and I know how to make someone feel guilty!!!”.
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?” The man replies, “That would be my wife.”
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she whispered. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.” The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. “Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.”
The husband climbed out of bed and counted again: “One, two, three, four. Oh, you’re right.”
The teacher asks, “How old is your mother?”
Little Mary says, “Forty.”
The teacher says, “Yes, your mother could get pregnant.”
The little girl asks, “can my big sister get pregnant?”
The teacher asks, “How old is your sister?”
Little Mary answers, “Nineteen.”
The teacher says, “Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant”.
The little girl asks, “Can I get pregnant?”
The teacher asks, “How old are you?”
Mary says “I’m seven years old.” The teacher says, “No, you can’t get pregnant.” Little Johnny, who is sitting behind little Mary, gives her a poke and says, “See, I told you we had nothing to worry about”
He said it was easy but one question held him up. The mother asked what the question was. ” They asked what the past tense of think was” the boy answered. “So what did you write?” the mother asked.
“I thought and thought and thought until I finally wrote thinked”! The boy replied.
The border guard searched the bags every time, but never found anything, so he had to let him through. The guard has his last day at work before retiring and the guy comes to the border again, carrying his two bags of sand. The guard says “look, man, it’s my last day, I’m not going to bust you. You’re clearly smuggling something across the border all this time but we never find anything, what is it.”. The guy says “I’m smuggling motorcycles”
Of course it only has 8 of those.
So the first two were test-tickles!