A collection of best jokes to enlighten your day
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”
Why was the snow yellow?
Because Elsa let it go!
I am a waiter and I have regular family every week on Monday. I exchange jokes with the youngest boy and he always wins free dessert. This week however he won a free meal for the whole family. I laughed til I made yellow snow
Edit. Did not know it was my cake day! I think this is my first joke post. Just wanted to share.
“Put them back, we can’t afford them” demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.”
He is approached by the ranger who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, “I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day.”
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “If you don’t believe me then watch,” as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden, wide-eyed and intrigued, says, “Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water.”
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “What lobsters?”
He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with president trump.” The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, trump is no longer president and no longer resides here.”
The old man said, “Okay”, and walked away.
The following day, the same old man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with president trump.”
The Marine repeated, “Sir, as I told you yesterday, trump is no longer president and no longer resides here.” The man thanked him again and just walked away.
On the third day, the old man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine. “I would like to go in and meet with president trump.”
The Marine, understandably irritated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you’ve been here asking to speak to trump and I’ve told you each time that he’s no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you get it?”
The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”
The Marine snapped to attention and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir.
Blow a whistle and say, “Everyone out of the pool, please!” How do you get 20 Americans out of a pool on a hot summer day? Blow a whistle and say, “For your own good and the safety of others, stay in the fucking pool!”
He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back. “What’s up?” asks his mate. “Well, you see those two women at the tee. One’s my wife, and she’s playing with my mistress.” His mate laughs and says, “No worries, I’ll go get it for you.” He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says “Small world.”
There are ducks everywhere on the ground and floors. St. Peter tells them: “This is Heaven, you can do anything you like, as long as you don’t step on a duck. If you step on a duck, you will be punished.”
The first woman tries very carefully to not step on a duck, but slips up and accidentally steps on one. St. Peter ties her up to a decaying stinky old man who coughs and sneezes all the time. He says to her: “This will be your punishment for an eternity for stepping on a duck.”
The second woman goes a few days without stepping on a duck, but one morning she wakes up, gets out of bed, and accidentally steps on one. St. Peter ties her up to a disgusting old woman who is covered in warts and pus and complains all the time. He says to her: “This will be your punishment for an eternity for stepping on a duck.”
The third woman saw this and became very careful. She stopped walking altogether and started gliding her feet everywhere. And few hundred years went by and she still hasn’t stepped on a duck. St. Peter ties her up to a gorgeous young man for an eternity.
The woman is elated and says to the young man: “I wonder what I’ve done to be tied up to you for the rest of eternity!”
The man replies: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
Three men go out selling Bibles to raise money for their church. At the end of the day, the three meet up to discuss their success. Bob goes first and was proud to say that he sold 5 Bibles and made $50 for the church. Sam goes next and was pleased to say that he sold 7 Bibles and made $70 for the church. Timothy (who has a bit of a stutter) goes last and excitedly says “I-I-I s s sold t t t twenty t t t three B B Bibles” making $230 for the church. Bob and Sam are amazed and ask Timothy how he could sell so many Bibles in a single day. Timothy says “ I-I-I t t t told them t t t that they c c c could b b b buy the B B B Bible or I w w w would r r read it t t t to them”