Author: Yinny

A Finn, Swede and Norwegian were on a plane. The pilot announced: “Too much weight! Too much weight!”

The Norwegian dropped an orange off the plane. The pilot repeated: “Too much weight! Too much weight!”

The Swede dropped a banana peel. Yet again there was the request: “Too much weight! Too much weight!”

The Finn dropped a bomb. When the plane finally landed, the Finn, Swede and Norwegian went for a walk and eventually ran into a crying boy.

“Why are you crying?”
“An orange hit me in the head!”

They moved on and after a while ran into a crying girl.

“Why are you crying?”
“I slipped on a banana peel…”

After a few more minutes on the road, they met a girl and a boy who were laughing with tears in their eyes.

“What’s got you so happy?”
“Our teacher farted so hard the school blew up!”

New Priest

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!”

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had ‘fallen.’

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

“Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they’ve fallen.”

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!”

A math professor, Dave, has a problem with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, “How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck.” But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, “Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don’t like educated people.”

The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn’t have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.

On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks Dave, “What is the formula for the area of a circle?”

Dave walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn’t belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering,

“Switch the limits on the integral!”

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, “Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?” The parrot says, “I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.”

“Holy crap,” the guy replies. “You actually understood and answered me!” “I got every word,” says the parrot. “Ask me anything, I’ll answer whatever you want.”

“Okay,” the guy says. “How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?” “Well,” the parrot says, “this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.” “Wow,” says the guy. “You really can understand and speak English, can’t you?” “Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I’d be a great companion.”

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. “Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.” “Pssssssst,” says the parrot, “I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!” The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, “Pssssssst,” and motions him over with one wing.

“I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the postman.” “What are you talking about?” asks the guy. “When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.” “WHAT???” the guy asks incredulously. “THEN what happened?” “Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,” reported the parrot. “NO!” he exclaims. “And she let him?” “Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over…” Then the frantic guy demands, “THEN WHAT HAPPENED?”

“Damned if I know… I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!”

The son of a bitch

Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself…

“2+5, the son of a bitch is 7”

“3+6, the son of a bitch is 9”

His mother heard this & asked, ” Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?”

“Oh Mom. Don’t disturb. I am doing my maths homework”

Mom: “Is this how your teacher taught you?”

“Yes mom “

Infuriated mother picked up her cell phone and called the teacher:

“Are you teaching maths to children by saying… 2+2, the son of a bitch is 4?”

There was silence for a moment

Then the teacher started laughing :

“What I taught them was… 2+2 THE SUM OF WHICH IS 4.”

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, “I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why do you want to talk to me?” she asked puzzled.

“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”

A young programmer and his Project Manager board a train, headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats, right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it’s obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they’re giving each other looks. Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it’s pitch black. There’s a sound of a kiss, followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.” The Project manager is sitting there thinking, “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped me!” The young woman was sitting and thinking, “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother hadn’t slapped him!” While the young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face, thinking:

“Life is good. How often does a guy get the chance to kiss a beautiful girl, and slap his Project Manager at the same time.”

Breaking: English to be made the official language of the EU!

The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of the “k”, Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”, making words like “fotograf” 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent “e” is disgrasful.

By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI COM TRU!

So, This is a very famous joke from my country ,I hope to see the response

A conference for who the best actor in the world was held, Actors from all around the world came to take part in the competition.There were many qualifier rounds but then only 5 actors remained in the finals.

The final contest was decided to be a manual cow milking competition. The rules were simple, The one to milk the most milk from their respective cows won the competition.

The actors were from Nepal (the place where the joke is from), India (A neighbouring country so it is used), USA (Land of Chuck Norris), UK and China.

They were each given a cow and 1 hour of alloted time to milk the cow.

The competition started and then ended soon.

Then the judges went on and checked how much they each milked.

They went and checked UK’s representative (Michael Caine). He only milked 10 ltrs. of milk.

Then they moved onto China’s Jet Li. Using his martial arts technique, he milked an astonishing 20 ltr. of milk from the cow.

Then Rajnikant (Indian counterpart of Chuck Norris,ask indians they’ll tell) patted Li on the back and showed them he had milked 25 ltrs.
Chuck Norris was already laughing at them. For he had milked 30 ltrs. of milk

Now, The judges moved onto Rajesh Hamal (He’s the Nepalese counterpart to Chuck Norris). When they looked into his bucket, They were astounded. He had only milked 1 ltr. of milk

They declared Chuck to be the winner and later interviewed everyone.
When it was Rajesh’s turn, they asked ” Why only 1 ltr?”
To which he replied “Those mfers gave me a bull”

A woman was 3 months Pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after 6 months.

The woman asked the doctor about her babies. The doctor said “You had twins, a boy and a girl they’re both fine and your brother named them for you” The woman replies with “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, NOT MY BROTHER, he’s an idiot!, what did he name the girl!?”Denise” the doctor answered

“Oh, that’s actually not that bad! what about the boy?” the woman replied

doctor sighs deeply

“Denephew”