A collection of best jokes to enlighten your day
Three guys are flying over a desert in a hot air balloon. They see a man below and yell at him, “Do you know where we are?”
The man thinks about it for a long time and when they’re nearly out of earshot, yells after them, “You’re in a balloon.”
“That was a mathematician,” says one of the aviators. “Why?” asks another. „Because it took him a hell of a long time, the answer is perfectly correct and yet its practical value is zero.”
A guy walks into a bar and says urgently to the bartender, “Give me a beer before trouble starts!” He drinks his beer and orders another, again saying, “Give me a beer before trouble starts!” The bartender is confused but lets it go for another two beers, when he finally asks, “Hey man, when are you gonna pay for those beers?” The guy answers, “And now the trouble starts!
Police officer: “Sir, I don’t understand. You lost the credit card a year ago, why are you reporting it now?”
Guy: “The thief wasn’t spending nearly as much as my wife used to…”
Police officer: “But why report it now?”
Guy: “I think the thief’s wife got hold of it now.”
A woman looking for a relationship places an ad, saying, “Looking for a guy that won’t beat me, won’t run away on me and will satisfy me nicely. Am good looking, excellent cook.”
Three days later, there’s a loud knocking at her door. Behind it there’s a guy with no arms and no legs, smiling expectantly. “Dear Amy,” he says, “I have no arms so I couldn’t even beat you if I tried. I have no legs and I can’t run away on you. I’m your guy.”
“That’s very nice,” says Amy, surprised, “but how will you be able to satisfy me?”
His smile widens, “You did hear the knocking, didn’t you?”
A police officer stops a car and says: “Congratulations, sir! You are the 1,000,000th car to drive over this bridge – you win $10,000! What will you do with that money?”
The driver gets very emotional and says, “First of all, I’ll finally make my driver’s license!” The wife cuts in, “Don’t listen to him, officer, he’s still drunk!”
A hard-of-hearing granny from the back seat grumbles, “I knew we shouldn’t have taken the stolen car!”
A voice from the trunk adds, “Hey, are we past the border now?”
My wife left me, went away. At first I was sad, lonely and didn’t know what to do with myself. But I bought a motorbike, threw a wild, loud party and got to meet some other women. I think my wife may not be so pleased when she comes back again from work.
A guy asks his neighbor in an apartment building: “Mr Trepper, you live directly above me and you have the same 2-room apartment as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?
“We got 18 rolls,” answers the neighbor.
Two months later the guy meets his neighbor again and says, “It’s really funny – I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left over.”
Neighbor smiles, “Yeah, so did we.“
A five-year-old Mikey asks his Grandpa, “Grandpa, what do you call it when there are two people on top of each other in bed?”
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The Grandpa feels very uncomfortable but decides not to confuse the child and bravely says, “That’s intercourse, my boy.”
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“OK,” nods Mikey and off he goes.
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He comes back after five minutes and says, “Grandpa, that’s not right. I’ve just spoken to mom and she said that it’s not called intercourse but a bunk bed!”
“Our restaurant’s snails are world-famous.”
“I know, one of them’s just been serving me.”
If you start to think I talk too much, just tell me. We’ll talk about it.