I got a really cute dog and called him Threemiles. It sounds great to say I walk Threemiles twice a day.
Author: joker
We fill a bathtub with water
A man to a psychiatrist: “How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”
The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”
The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.”
The Psychiatrist replies: “No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?”
I forgot to go to the gym today
I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.
Girls mostly treat me like a God
Girls mostly treat me like a God. They totally forget that I exist and only approach me when they need something.
Today I ran from a ticket inspector
Today I ran from a ticket inspector. He chased me through half the train. When he finally caught me, he wasn’t very amused to find that I actually do have the ticket.
Nobody notices the tears you shed
Most of the time, when you cry, nobody notices the tears you shed. Most of the time, when you’re facing trouble, nobody feels your pain. But try farting in public just one time!
Is this her first child?
An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells, “Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the operator.
“No you dumbass! It’s her husband!”
You’ll never go to jail
A man hired a lawyer when he got sued by his company for embezzlement of many millions. At the beginning of the process, the lawyer kindly reassured him: „Don’t worry, you’ll never go to jail with that amount of money.“
And the lawyer was right. When the man did go to jail eventually, he didn’t have a penny anymore.
I’m getting married
Two men are discussing their lives. One says, “I’m getting married. I’m sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear.”
The other one says, “Hey, I’m getting divorced for the same reasons.”
I look like a tree
Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.
Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.
Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.
Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?