Bridge to Hawaii

One day, a man found a lamp in an old antique store and when he picked it up, POOF a genie popped out.
“I shall grant you anything you wish, but choose wisely, because I can only grant one.” The genie said.
The man thought for a moment before saying, “I want a bridge from California to Hawaii so I can go there whenever I want.”
The genie considered the enormity of the wish and started to bargain with the man. “Are you sure? I could grant you gold and riches, power, fame and fortune. Is this bridge really what you want?”
Hearing this the man reconsidered. After several minutes of deliberation, he finally changed his wish, “Ok, Genie, I want to know what makes women tick.”
The genie was silent for a moment, deep in thought. Then he began rubbing his palms together. “Ok,” he said as his hands started to smoke, “So this bridge, did you want one lane or two?”

This joke is in loving memory of my grandpa, who would be 99 today. The cleanest joke he ever told, cheers, Pa.

A man asks his doctor: “Do you think I’ll live to be a hundred?”

The doctor asks the man “Well, that depends. Do you drink?”

“Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water.”

“Do you smoke?”

“No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke.”

“Do you eat a lot of sugary and greasy foods?”

“No, sir! I carefully watch my diet and caloric intake, and I’m sure to eat plenty of vegetables.”

“Do you go to parties? Stay up late? Are you sexually promiscuous?”

“Not at all! Early to bed and early to rise! And abstinence is key.”

The doctor raises an eyebrow at the man. “So… Why exactly do you want to live to be a hundred?”

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference…

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

“I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”

The driver agrees: “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.”

“That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

 “Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.”

An Irish housewife is at home, being a homemaker, while her husband is away working at the Guinness factory

When she hears a knock on the door.

Upon answering the door, she sees it is two of her husband’s friends and co-workers.

“Mary,” says the first co-worker, “I’m afraid we have some terrible news. You see, there was an accident at the factory today, and your husband fell into a vat of the Guinness.”

“My God!” Exclaims Mary, “will he be alright, how badly is he hurt!?”

“Well,” says the co-worker, “the fact is Mary, he didn’t make it, he drowned.”

“No!” Sobs Mary. “Please, tell me it was at least a quick death, and painless?”

“Well, you see, the thing of it is Mary, he got out three times to pee.”

A Nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: “A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!”

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewhat miffed the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says “A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that Jew!”

Once again while everyone is cheering he turns back to the Jew grinning evilly but is shocked to see the Jew still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the Nazi’s direction.

The Nazi turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth “A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar except for that Jew”.

The Nazi satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the Jew smiling broadly at him and waving.

Furiously the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says “What the hell is wrong with that Jew? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?”

The bartender replies “Neither. He’s the owner of the bar.”

The genie of the lamp

Two neighbours, one is rich and the other is poor.

The poor have a magic lamp : Every morning,he wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : “Ask what you want” ,and the poor asks for a cup of tea.

The rich neighbour,envious of the magic lamp,said to the poor : i’ll give you my car and my house in exchange of the lamp.” The poor accepted the deal.

The rich man wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : “Ask what you want” he asked for a very big house and a better car.the genie replied : « Sorry sir,i only serve tea and coffee »

Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says

“Well thank you! Whatcha gonna to do about it?”

Johnny burst into tears. “Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?”

“This is the worst day of my life,” Johnny says. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman, and then my dog bit me. So, I come to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve, and then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how’s your day going?”

Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people?

I’m still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.

We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend’s yacht. Then we’ll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me.

Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can’t go.