I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.
My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?” I said: “No it doesn’t”
Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He Neverlands.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet. I just think it’s surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?
Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?
Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.
Mr. Smith: “Doctor, you remember this strengthening solution you prescribed me yesterday?”
Doctor: “Yes, what’s the matter?”
Mr. Smith: “I would like to use it but I can’t open the bottle!”
In a boomerang shop: “I’d like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?”
Police: “Open the door!”
Man: “I don’t want any balls!”
Police: “What? We don’t have any balls!”
Man: “I know.”