“No. I work for a condom company. These are my customer complaints.”
A boy is selling fish on a corner.
To get his customers’ attention, he begins yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”
A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'” The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.” The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.” He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!”
A man walks into a bar in Vegas.
A man walks into a bar in Vegas.
He has a parrot with him. This parrot is wholly remarkable; it is fluent in Spanish, French and English. So, being a betting man- they’re all betting men down in Vegas -he goes up to the bartender and tells him, “I’ll bet you this here bird can speak Spanish.”
The bartender knows this type, and slams his hand down on the counter with a $10 bill. “You’re on! Let’s see it.”
So the man turned to the bird and asks, “Hablas Espanol?”
The bird is silent as a stone.
“Well, watch this, then, he can speak French too. Parlez-vous Francais?”
The parrot remains silent. The man is sweating through his jacket, and the bartender is chuckling derisively. “Hand over the cash, sir, and have a nice night.”
As he walks dejectedly out of the bar, the man turns to the parrot. “You jerk!”, he cries. “You cost me ten bucks!”
The parrot, taken aback, ruffles his feathers arrogantly. “Cost you? Buddy, I just made you a fortune! Think of the odds you can get there tomorrow!”
Cancer!
Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately
Doctor: Well, I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news…
Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don’t believe Western medicine anyways! I’ve been following homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches, and healing crystals all my life, and they never let me down. Now, will you do things my way, or do I need to talk to the hospital management?
Doctor: Sure, sure, lady. We’ll do things your way. Does an astrology-based approach work for you?
Karen: That’s better! Of course, it would!
Doctor: What’s your birth sign?
Karen: Cancer.
Doctor: Well what a fucking coincidence.
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you.
Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain …
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”
The waiter replied, “Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”
The cowboy said, “What the heck, bring me an order.”
The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.”
If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.’
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.”
A Daughter’s Surprise
A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says “God bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad.” The father says, “Good bye Grandad? Why is that?” The daughter says, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father can’t believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter’s prayers again. She says, “God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.” The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn’t know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, “God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy.” The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn’t go home and stays there until midnight. He’s very surprised. ‘I’ve cheated death!’ he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, “Where have you been?!” and the husband says, “Oh don’t ask me any questions, today’s been miserable.” The wife replies, “Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch…”
A security guard about to start his night shift finds it weird to see his boss coming into the office…
“Hey boss? Working late tonight?”
“Yes, I’m flying to Europe tomorrow, family trip.”
In the morning, minutes before the security guard’s shift end, the man spots his boss again, but now sharing some strong words.
“Boss, please don’t get on that plane. I had a terrible dream it would crash and everyone would die.”
The boss doesn’t say anything to the man but decides not to take the trip.
A couple of days later the boss comes back to see the security guard.
“Hey, that plane ended up crashing so your dream saved my life, thank you.”
“No worries, boss. I’m glad you’re okay.”
“Also, you’re fired.”
“What do you mean, boss? Why?”
“Because you were certainly sleeping on your shift.”
My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion.
The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all of those answers were on his badge.”
Once management wants you fired, you’ll be fired
A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.
The minister said, “I have served you loyally for 10 years and you do this?”
The king was unrelenting.
Minister pleaded, “Please give me 10 days before you throw me to the dogs.”
The king agreed. In those 10 days the minister went to the keeper of the dogs and told him he wanted to serve the dogs for the next 10 days.
The guard was baffled, but he agreed. So the minister started feeding the dogs, caring for them, washing them, providing all sorts of comfort for them. So when the 10 days were up. The king ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs as sentenced.
When he was thrown in, everyone was amazed at what they saw. The dogs were wagging their tails playing with the condemned minister, licking his feet.
The king was baffled at what he saw. “What happened to the dogs? !!!” He growled.
The minister then said, “I served the dogs for only 10 days and they didn’t forget my service. I served you for 10 years and you forgot all at the first mistake!”
The King realised his mistake and replaced the dogs with crocodiles!