After millions of years of evolution, you’re kind of a disappointment.
Of course you’re not fat
Of course you’re not fat. Just grab a couple of chairs and come sit with us.
Is air for free?
All my life I thought air was for free. That was until I bought a bag of crisps.
Sorry, I can’t hang out
Sorry, I can’t hang out. My auntie’s cousin’s brother in law’s best friend’s accountant’s roommate’s pet goldfish died. Some other time maybe.
Dogs have beloved masters
Dogs have beloved masters. Cats have waiting staff.
Money alone won’t make you happy
Money alone won’t make you happy. You’ve got to own it.
Religious differences
We got divorced on the grounds of religious differences. My husband thought he was God.
Before you say something harsh
Before you say something harsh about someone, try walking a mile in their shoes. It’s very convenient because even if you’re really rude, you’re a mile away AND you’ve got their shoes.
He’ll fix it
If a man said he’ll fix it, he’ll fix it. There is no need to nag him every 6 months about it.
I’m standing outside
I’m standing outside. In other words, I’m outstanding.