Two invisible men meet. One says to the other: “Hey dude, long time no see!”
What did one plate say to his friend?
Tonight, dinner’s on me!
My wife’s driving test went surprisingly well yesterday. She got 7 out of 12. The 5 managed to run to safety.
Here, I bought you a calendar. Your days are numbered now.
Two snails are chatting on the sidewalk. “I’ll have to cross the road,” says one.
“Well, be careful,” says the other one, “there’s a bus coming in an hour.“
I don’t think women should be allowed to have kids after 40. 40 kids is way too much by any standard.
Does your horse smoke?
Well, then I think your stable is burning.
I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems. The first thing the bastard did was made me pay in advance.
Teacher: How come you don’t have your homework?
Pupil: I lost it when I was fighting this kid who kept saying you weren’t the best teacher in the school.
What do teachers and clouds have in common?
Everything brightens up when they go away.