“Are you alright, dad?”’
“Actually, technically, I’m half left and half right.”
I’ll call you later!
“I’ll call you later!”
–
“Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”
No such thing as problems
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities.I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
Are you taking the donkey for a walk?
Husband leaves the house with the dog.
–
Wife asks: “Are you taking the donkey for a walk?”
–
Husband: “You mean the dog, right?”
–
Wife: “Shush, I am talking to the dog!”
How many women I slept with so far
My wife asked me how many women I slept with so far. I said, “Only you, my darling, only you. I was awake with all the rest of them.”
Your husband needs to rest and not get upset
A woman is at a doctor after her husband’s check-up.
The doctor looks serious and says, “Mrs Connelly, your husband is very sick. He needs to rest and not get upset. I will prescribe you some sleeping pills.”
“Ok,” nods Mrs Connelly, “and how often should he take those?”
“Oh, they’re not for him, Mrs Connelly, they’re for you.”
When did you get to know your wife?
When did you get to know your wife?
–
Sadly, about a week after the wedding.
Push honey! Come on and push!
I shouted at my wife while she was in labor: “Push honey! Come on and push! You have to push harder!”
–
She said: “Stop talking to me you cretin!”
–
I mean what did she expect? It’s an old car and if she wants to get to the hospital we need to get it started somehow…
Nothing would please me more!
Husband: “Soon we will be married for 10 years. I will get you a nice new car for our anniversary.”
–
Wife: “Oh darling. Nothing would please me more!”
And so the husband got her nothing for the anniversary.
If I died, would you marry again?
A husband asks his wife:
–
If I died, would you marry again?
–
Oh darling, of course I wouldn’t. I’d go and live with my sister. And if I died, would you remarry?
–
No, I think I’d go and live with your sister too.