“But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.”
“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.”
“Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!”
“Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.”
“Give me two reasons why I should go to school.”
“Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the Principal!”
Russian…
Doctor: This medicine is for insomnia, this one is for nervous break-down, and also take this one for depression. Patient: Thank you very much, doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides vodka?
The Italian Job
A young New York woman was so despondent that she decided to end her life. She was going to throw herself into the ocean. But, as she ran to the end of the dock, a young man stopped her. “I know what you were about to do. My God! You have so much to live for. Look, I’m a sailor, and my ship is off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away. I know exactly where. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.” With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she HAD always wanted to go to Italy, the young woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her sandwiches, fruit, Poland Spring, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. “What are you doing in here?” demanded the captain. “I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she replied. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy.” Her conscience got the best of her and she added, “The truth is he’s screwing me, too.” “He certainly is,” replied the captain, “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”
A man goes into the streets of Moscow and yells : “I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and stupid rules being a leader!”
A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin. Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : “Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets?” Man responds: “Of course i was thinking about Hitler!”; Stalin lets him go but then he stops the soldier to say: “Who were YOU thinking about?”
It takes me five minutes to walk from my house to the pub. It takes me 35 minutes to walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
Two brothers are in their room one morning.
The older brother says, “Billy, I’m 9 and you’re 6. We’re practically men. So today when we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say hell and you’re gonna say ass.”
Billy nods his head in excitement and they go downstairs. The boys sit at the table and their mom greets them.
“Good morning boys, what would ya’ll like for breakfast?”
Billy looks at his older brother, who smiles and throws his arm over the back rest and says, “Ah hell mom, make it cheerios.”
Their mom turns around and chases him up the stairs spanking him the whole way. When she returns she looks at Billy and says, “And what would you like my little angel.”
Billy nervously replies, “I don’t know, but you can bet your ass it ain’t cheerios.”
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”
He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me, too!”
Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.
An Irish fellow in New York turns to the gentleman next to him….
“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?”
“I’m from Ireland.”
“No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?”
“Grew up in Wexford.”
“Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!”
“Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary school did you go to?”
“I went to St Peters Secondary”
“ St Peters Secondary?! I went to St Peters Secondary! I’ll be darned! What year did you graduate?”
“1979”
“1979??!! That’s the year I graduated! What are the chances of that?!!”
Well as these 2 guys are just flabbergasted at the chances of this meeting, another guy at the end of the bar is watching curiously. He calls over to the bartender & asks “hey what on earth is going on over there?”
To which the bartender replies, “ah nothing. Just the O’Malley twins drunk again.”
Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: “Are you okay? What’s your name?”
“It’s John, and I’m okay, thanks,” I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
“John,” she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) “forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”
“That’s mighty nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.”
“Oh, come on now,” Elizabeth insisted.
She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive … I was weak. “Well okay,” I finally agreed but thought to myself, “my wife won’t like it.”
After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. “I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d best go now.”
“Don’t be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. “She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”
“Still under the cart, I guess.”
There’s a policeman hanging around outside a bar near closing time to catch any drunk drivers…
As the bar closes for the night, he sees a man come out who looks extremely wasted. The man stumbles all over the place, drops his keys, and has trouble finding his car. As the cop is watching him stumble around, all of the other patrons get in their vehicles and leave. The man finally gets in his car and starts it and pulls out. The cop flashes his lights and pulls the man over and tells him he needs to do a field sobriety test. The man gets out of the car and passes the test with no mistakes. The cop gets confused and makes him go through it all again and he passes again. “What’s going on here, how are you sober?” The man looks at him and says “I’m the designated distraction”