A collection of best jokes to enlighten your day
“Quick, get me a beer before it starts.”
She gets the beer. He chugs it and says “quick, get me another before it starts.”
She obliges. Husband again chugs it and says “quick, get me another beer before it starts.”
The wife replies “if you want another beer you lazy bastard get your fat ass up and get it yourself!”
Husband murmurs “shit, it started.”
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
A man has to leave for a few days and wants to find a temporary home for his parrot.
Because he knows the priest also has a parrot, he decides to ask him if he can watch his.
‘Absolutely not.’ The priest says. ‘All your parrot knows is how to curse. That’s not good for my parrot, as all mine does is pray.’
‘But your parrot will be able to teach mine some manners.’ The man points out.
After doing some thinking the man agrees and says he’ll watch the parrot. He takes him to his house and puts him next to his own parrot.
‘I want sex, I want sex.’ The parrot says.
‘Hallelujah.’ The other one says. ‘My prayers have been answered!’
An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an
American, who is chewing gum, sits down beside
him.The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat :
The American asks :’Do you eat the bread entirely?’
The Indian answers,’Of course!’
American : ‘We do not .We only eat the inner part. The crust is put in a container and processed and transformed into flour and sold to Indians.’
The Indian says nothing.
The American continues,’Do you eat this jelly with the bread?’
Indian : ‘Of course!’
American : ‘We do not. We eat fresh fruits for breakfast and then put the seeds and peels into a container. Later it is processed and transformed to jelly and sold to Indians..’
The Indian finally asks,’And what do you do with the condoms after using them?’
American : ‘We throw them away,of course!’
Indian : ‘We do not. We keep them in containers, process them transform them into chewing gum and sell it to the United States.
Policeman:”What are you selling?”
Vendor:” Apple seeds… $5 a pop!”
Policeman:”What???Why would anyone want to eat apple seed?”
Vendor:” They make you smarter!”
Policeman:” OK, give me one (swallows it)… wait a minute? For $5 I could have bought a pound of apples and got myself at least 20 seeds!”
Vendor:” See!!! You’re smarter already!”
Policeman:” WOW, you’re right… Give me two more, quick!”
But if I do it, I’m gay.
This guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About two hours.”
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around at his shop full of customers and says, “About two hours.”
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About an hour and a half.”
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, “Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.”
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, “Bill, where did that guy go when he left here?”
Bill looks at him and says, “To your house.”
She said, “Wear your own then.”
“No. I work for a condom company. These are my customer complaints.”
To get his customers’ attention, he begins yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”
A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'” The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.” The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.” He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!”