A Chinese boy pleads with his Grandpa, “Granddad, can I have a dog? Please???!!!“
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Two hours later says Grandpa, “Enjoy your meal, my boy.”
Why did the one-armed man cross the road?
Q: Why did the one-armed man cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop.
Why aren’t you talking anymore?
Mother: Son, why aren’t you talking to Mark anymore? You used to be really good friends.
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Son: Well would you like to talk to someone who is kind of stupid, is using drugs and is drinking alcohol every day?
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Mother: Of course not!
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Son: Well neither would he.
You’re my only one
“Do you have Valentines cards that say something like “You’re my only one?”
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Sure thing.
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Wonderful! I’ll take 8 of those please.
You should smoke a maximum of five cigarettes a day
Doctor: “You look much worse than you did last week! I said you should smoke a maximum of five cigarettes a day!”
Patient: “And that’s what I did. And it wasn’t easy because up until then I didn’t smoke at all!”
Woman at a maternity hospital
Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, “I’m so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this…”
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She replies: “Don’t worry Steve, it’s not your fault.”
Make myself at home
I visited my new friend in his flat. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
Digging in our garden
I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I’m digging in our garden.
A marriage just like a fairy tale
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale.
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Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.
I’m getting married again next week
An 87-year-old man chats with his doctor: “So, I’m getting married again next week, doc!”
“Oh, that’s wonderful! And how old is the bride?”
“She’s 19.”
“That’s fantastic – but I have to warn you, too much action in the bed can be deadly!”
“Ah well, if she dies, I’ll just have to remarry.”