A Welshman, Scot and Englishman are walking when they come across a lantern and a genie pops out and grants them one wish each.

The Scot says: “I am a sheep herder, like my father before me. I want my country to be full of lovely sheep farms.”

Whoosh, and so it was.

The Englishman was amazed and says: “I want a wall around England to keep those damned Scots and Welsh out.”

Bang, there was a wall around England.

The Welshman says: “Tell me more about this wall.”

The genie says: “It’s 200 feet high, 100 feet thick, it goes all around England, and nothing can get in or out.”

The Welshman says: “Fill it with water.”

A man applies for a government job

A man goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“OK, have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.”

Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, “Look, if you don’t let me unlock the damn door you’re never going to get in there!”

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.

They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.

“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”

Dr Jenkins sighed. “Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden – if you sit under it for just ten minutes, you will die. Just because it’s natural doesn’t mean it’s safe for you!”

The man seemed to accept that, and after he and the doctors parted ways, Dr Smith asked, “What is that plant that kills you if you sit under it?”

“A water lily.”

Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag.

One of them asks the two others: “So what did you do?”

The first one answers: “Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat.”

The second one answers: “Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers.”

Then they turn to the one who asked the question: “How about you, then?”

“Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.”