A collection of best jokes to enlighten your day
An 87-year-old man chats with his doctor: “So, I’m getting married again next week, doc!”
“Oh, that’s wonderful! And how old is the bride?”
“She’s 19.”
“That’s fantastic – but I have to warn you, too much action in the bed can be deadly!”
“Ah well, if she dies, I’ll just have to remarry.”
My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children. If anybody does please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.
Doctor: Since when have you had this condition?
Patient: What condition?
“Madam, your son just called me ugly!”
The mother apologizes shamefacedly, “I’m so sorry, I must have told him like a thousand times it is wrong to judge people just from how they look…”
At a first date:
He: “I work with animals every day!”
She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”
He: “I’m a butcher.”
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You’re too young to be smoking!
Two satellites decided to get married.
The wedding wasn’t much, but the reception was incredible!
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.
The second lawyer looked at him and said, “You’re crazy! You’ll never be able to outrun that bear!”
“I don’t have to,” the first lawyer replied. “I only have to outrun you.”
A hound dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch. “Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?” a jogger asks.
The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, “Nope.”
As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger’s legs.
As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, “I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!”
The old man mutters, “Ain’t my dog.”
Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog, of course. At least he’ll shut up after you let him in.