Fresh from the submission queue. Vote to decide what rises.
A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"
The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?" And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"
She answered the door, and it was their neighbor, Ted. Ted says, "Oh my god Jenny, you look so sexy, in nothing but that towel."
She appreciates the compliment, but feels a bit uneasy, when Ted continues, "I'll tell you what - I'll give you $500 cash right now to drop that towel and show me your body."
Jenny is shocked, but her family really needs the money. So she drops the towel, and does a slow, coy turn, so that Ted can get a complete eyeful. Ted, true to his word, hands her 5 $100 bills, gives her a big smile, and leaves.
Jenny closes the door and gathers up her towel, when her husband yells out from upstairs, "Honey, was that Ted from next door? He was supposed to bring over the 500 bucks he owes me."
"I just visited Joe's Tavern. It's the best one I ever visited. It even had a solid gold toilet!"
"Cool!" says Ted. He is so excited, he calls up Joe's Tavern. "My roommate told me all about your solid gold toilet!" he says.
"What?" sputters Joe the bartender on the other line. "We don't have a solid gold toilet!"
Ted hangs up the phone. "You must have been drunkenly mistaken," he says. "Joe's doesn't have a solid gold toilet."
"It does so!" responds George. "I'll prove it to you. I'll take you to Joe's tomorrow and show you myself!"
The next day, George brings Ted to Joe's. He is about to tell Ted where the toilet is, when suddenly, a voice is heard from the other end of the bar:
"HEY, YOU! AREN'T YOU THE D**KHEAD WHO TOOK A S**T IN MY TUBA LAST NIGHT?!"
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work.... The ass hole is usually in charge
The feathers, because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds
They take a seat, the ladies chat with one another across the table, as do the gents.
Fred asks Harold "Are you still going to that memory clinic?"
Harold says "Yes, it's been helping my memory a lot, I recommend you come along to our next session"
"What do they do there?" asks Fred.
"They teach us to remember things through word association" replies Harold.
Fred says "I might have to give it a try, what's the name of the clinic?"
Harold pauses for a while, trying to remember,
he says "Ummm, ahh, hang on... um... what's the name of that beautiful flower, the one that has thorns?"
Fred says "That'd be a rose, Harold.
Harold turns to his wife and says "Rose!, what's the name of that clinic I go to?"
A guy is with a friend. He points to another guy down the street and says "Look, that's the town idiot. I'll show you. I do this every week"
He then hollers at the other guy
" Hey Kevin! Here, a gift for you, and you get to choose! One $20 bill, or five $1 bills?"
Kevin happily grabs the five notes and leaves. The guy laughs at him.
The friend happens to meet Kevin later and asks him why he picked the five bills. Doesn't he know 20 is more than 5x1?
"Yes" replies Kevin. "But the day I pick the 20 he'll stop giving me money".
I heard a bang. "3:45 PM", he said.
“I was in the mood for a drink so I biked to the local liquor store to buy a bottle of whiskey. At first I was planning to bike home with the bottle in my bike basket but I’m not an idiot and knew it would break if I crashed so I drank it in the parking lot. Thank god I did because I crashed 12 times on the way home.”
I asked my wife to be a panda, my kid to be a koala and I went as a grizzly. My wife didn't get the joke, so I said I will tell you when we get to the party… At the party I still refused to tell her and told her to be patient, so when we left…I simply turned to her and said, thanks for bearing with me!
To test this, he goes a few feet behind her, and softly whispers “Honey, can you hear me?”
There is no response, so he takes a step forward, and softly says again “Honey, can you hear me?” Again, there is no response
The husband goes right behind his wife, and again says “Honey can you hear me?”
The wife turns around and says “For the third time, yes”
The man is perplexed and decides to pull over to investigate. After parking he walks up to the porch where a man is sitting in a rocking chair enjoying the day.
The driver asks “I saw your sign about a talking dog? Where can I see this dog?”
To which the man rocking simply points to the backyard and says “in his house along the back fence”
The driver begins to walk to the side of the house, along the side of the house and into the backyard where he sees a dog laying in front of a dog house.
The driver asked the dog “are you the talking dog?”
The dog simply replies “yup”
To which the driver replies “that’s amazing how did you learn to talk”
The dog begins ..” when I was a puppy the CIA picked me up and brought me in and taught me how to speak several different languages. One of my languages was Arabic. The Iraq War brakes out and they decided to send me over to Iraq and collect information. Who is going to expect that a dog could understand Arabic, right? Well then the war ends and I win a Bronze Star. I return to the US and I join the TSA. I sniff out drugs, guns, explosives and win all sorts of accolades. I eventually retire, find myself a nice bitch, have some puppies who grow up and move out and this is where I finally retire too.”
The driver who is absolutely stunned at this point looks at the dog and says “that’s amazing“ and then swiftly walks back to the front of the house.
When he gets to the front of the house he confronts the homeowner and says “$5?! That’s all you want for that talking dog is $5?!
To which the homeowner replies “That dog is a liar, he’s never done any of that stuff”
Find a woman who makes you laugh; find a woman who turns you on; find a woman who can cook; find a woman who wants to build a life with you and take care of you in old age. Make sure these four women never meet.
I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"
One day, a man found a lamp in an old antique store and when he picked it up, POOF a genie popped out.
"I shall grant you anything you wish, but choose wisely, because I can only grant one." The genie said.
The man thought for a moment before saying, "I want a bridge from California to Hawaii so I can go there whenever I want."
The genie considered the enormity of the wish and started to bargain with the man. "Are you sure? I could grant you gold and riches, power, fame and fortune. Is this bridge really what you want?"
Hearing this the man reconsidered. After several minutes of deliberation, he finally changed his wish, "Ok, Genie, I want to know what makes women tick."
The genie was silent for a moment, deep in thought. Then he began rubbing his palms together. "Ok," he said as his hands started to smoke, "So this bridge, did you want one lane or two?"
This joke is in loving memory of my grandpa, who would be 99 today. The cleanest joke he ever told, cheers, Pa.
The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"
"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."
"Do you smoke?"
"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."
"Do you eat a lot of sugary and greasy foods?"
"No, sir! I carefully watch my diet and caloric intake, and I'm sure to eat plenty of vegetables."
"Do you go to parties? Stay up late? Are you sexually promiscuous?"
"Not at all! Early to bed and early to rise! And abstinence is key."
The doctor raises an eyebrow at the man. "So... Why exactly do you want to live to be a hundred?"
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."
When she hears a knock on the door.
Upon answering the door, she sees it is two of her husband’s friends and co-workers.
“Mary,” says the first co-worker, “I’m afraid we have some terrible news. You see, there was an accident at the factory today, and your husband fell into a vat of the Guinness.”
“My God!” Exclaims Mary, “will he be alright, how badly is he hurt!?”
“Well,” says the co-worker, “the fact is Mary, he didn’t make it, he drowned.”
“No!” Sobs Mary. “Please, tell me it was at least a quick death, and painless?”
“Well, you see, the thing of it is Mary, he got out three times to pee.”
He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"
The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewhat miffed the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that Jew!"
Once again while everyone is cheering he turns back to the Jew grinning evilly but is shocked to see the Jew still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the Nazi's direction.
The Nazi turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth "A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar except for that Jew".
The Nazi satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the Jew smiling broadly at him and waving.
Furiously the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "What the hell is wrong with that Jew? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?"
The bartender replies "Neither. He's the owner of the bar."
Two neighbours, one is rich and the other is poor.
The poor have a magic lamp : Every morning,he wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" ,and the poor asks for a cup of tea.
The rich neighbour,envious of the magic lamp,said to the poor : i'll give you my car and my house in exchange of the lamp." The poor accepted the deal.
The rich man wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" he asked for a very big house and a better car.the genie replied : « Sorry sir,i only serve tea and coffee »