Food jokes

Why was the snow yellow?

Because Elsa let it go!

I am a waiter and I have regular family every week on Monday. I exchange jokes with the youngest boy and he always wins free dessert. This week however he won a free meal for the whole family. I laughed til I made yellow snow

Edit. Did not know it was my cake day! I think this is my first joke post. Just wanted to share.

I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.

We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend’s yacht. Then we’ll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me.

Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go.

A young New York woman was so despondent that she decided to end her life. She was going to throw herself into the ocean. But, as she ran to the end of the dock, a young man stopped her. "I know what you were about to do. My God! You have so much to live for. Look, I'm a sailor, and my ship is off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away. I know exactly where. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she HAD always wanted to go to Italy, the young woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her sandwiches, fruit, Poland Spring, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing in here?" demanded the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy." Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "The truth is he's screwing me, too." "He certainly is," replied the captain, "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

The older brother says, "Billy, I'm 9 and you're 6. We're practically men. So today when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell and you're gonna say ass."

Billy nods his head in excitement and they go downstairs. The boys sit at the table and their mom greets them.

"Good morning boys, what would ya'll like for breakfast?"

Billy looks at his older brother, who smiles and throws his arm over the back rest and says, "Ah hell mom, make it cheerios."

Their mom turns around and chases him up the stairs spanking him the whole way. When she returns she looks at Billy and says, "And what would you like my little angel."

Billy nervously replies, "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it ain't cheerios."

Find a woman who makes you laugh; find a woman who turns you on; find a woman who can cook; find a woman who wants to build a life with you and take care of you in old age. Make sure these four women never meet.

They pack, chips, sandwiches, and soda, and start to walk to their picnic area. The spot is 5 miles away, and it takes the turtles 10 full days to get there. Once they get there, they realize that they had left the bottle opener, and thus could not open the sodas. They nominate Jimmy to walk back and bring the bottle opener. Jimmy is at first reluctant, as he thinks Jeff and Joe will just eat all the food while he is gone, but after two hours, he is convinced that they won’t, and sets out on his journey.

20 days pass, and Joe and Jeff are extremely hungry, but they remember their promise and wait for Jimmy to return. Another 3 days pass, and they become worried, but still remember the promise they made, and wait. After another 5 days, they begin to believe Jimmy abandoned them, and went to the McDonald’s down the street instead. So they decide to eat the sandwiches.

Just as they are about to take their first bite, Jimmy appears from behind a rock, and says “I knew it! Just for that, I’m not going!”

Oh I can’t sleep at night cause i am afraid of the monster under my bed

The therapist told him: i will help you, you will take with me three sessions a week each one costing 200$ and in month you will be able to sleep

The man left and didn’t came back, after one year the man met the therapist who asked him: why haven’t you started your treatment

The man said: you wanted me to pay 2400 but my Egyptian neighbor helped me for a sandwich and a drink only

The therapist ask how and to which the man said: my Egyptian neighbor Told me to sell my bed and start sleeping on the ground and i was never scared from that day on.

An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an

American, who is chewing gum, sits down beside

him.The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat :

The American asks :'Do you eat the bread entirely?'

The Indian answers,'Of course!'

American : 'We do not .We only eat the inner part. The crust is put in a container and processed and transformed into flour and sold to Indians.'

The Indian says nothing.

The American continues,'Do you eat this jelly with the bread?'

Indian : 'Of course!'

American : 'We do not. We eat fresh fruits for breakfast and then put the seeds and peels into a container. Later it is processed and transformed to jelly and sold to Indians..'

The Indian finally asks,'And what do you do with the condoms after using them?'

American : 'We throw them away,of course!'

Indian : 'We do not. We keep them in containers, process them transform them into chewing gum and sell it to the United States.

To get his customers' attention, he begins yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"

A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.

The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish.

Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

A kindergarten teacher is explaining what "literally" means to her class and asking them what it means.

Teacher: Okay, Does everyone know what "literally" means?

Teacher: Use it in a sentence

Kid 1: Birds literally come out of nowhere

Teacher: That's not true but it is if you put it as you aren't paying attention

Kid 2: Pizza is literally the best food ever

[kid walks back]

Kid 3: I literally pooped in the sink

Teacher: Did you really?

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”

The waiter replied, “Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”

The cowboy said, “What the heck, bring me an order.”

The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.”

If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

She said " The aroma of their cooking from there is absolutely gorgeous"

Being a spontaneous sort of guy, I thought I would treat her. So I turned her around and we walked past it again.

"Nah, there's no need" I replied.

"But why?" she asked. "We always pray at home when I cook dinner."

"Because I think we'll be fine here, the chef knows what he's doing."

Two lawyers walk into a restaurant, sit down at a table, order a coffee and pull out sandwiches from their suitcases. An angry waitress approaches them, exclaiming "Excuse me, you can't eat your own food here!" The lawyers look at her, then at each other and exchange the sandwiches.

5 years old son,

After watching a story of an Emperor on TV:

"Mum, I also want 7 wives, one will cook for me, one will read for me, one will go for walk with me, one will sing for me,one can bath me...."

Mum smiled and said:

"Then night time I don't have to accompany you to sleep".

After some thought, son said: "Not possible, I still want to sleep with you mummy!"

Moms eyes fill up with tears of happiness:

"My sweet son!"

"Then who will sleep with your 7 wives?"

"Let them sleep with daddy!"

Dads eyes fill up with tears of happiness:

"My sweet son!"