Job/Office jokes

A man goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says “God bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad.” The father says, “Good bye Grandad? Why is that?” The daughter says, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father can’t believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter’s prayers again. She says, “God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.” The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn’t know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, “God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy.” The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn’t go home and stays there until midnight. He’s very surprised. ‘I’ve cheated death!’ he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, “Where have you been?!” and the husband says, “Oh don’t ask me any questions, today’s been miserable.” The wife replies, “Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch…”

When she hears a knock on the door.

Upon answering the door, she sees it is two of her husband’s friends and co-workers.

“Mary,” says the first co-worker, “I’m afraid we have some terrible news. You see, there was an accident at the factory today, and your husband fell into a vat of the Guinness.”

“My God!” Exclaims Mary, “will he be alright, how badly is he hurt!?”

“Well,” says the co-worker, “the fact is Mary, he didn’t make it, he drowned.”

“No!” Sobs Mary. “Please, tell me it was at least a quick death, and painless?”

“Well, you see, the thing of it is Mary, he got out three times to pee.”

"Hey boss? Working late tonight?"

"Yes, I'm flying to Europe tomorrow, family trip."

In the morning, minutes before the security guard's shift end, the man spots his boss again, but now sharing some strong words.

"Boss, please don't get on that plane. I had a terrible dream it would crash and everyone would die."

The boss doesn't say anything to the man but decides not to take the trip.

A couple of days later the boss comes back to see the security guard.

"Hey, that plane ended up crashing so your dream saved my life, thank you."

"No worries, boss. I'm glad you're okay."

"Also, you're fired."

"What do you mean, boss? Why?"

"Because you were certainly sleeping on your shift."

Young couple visits doctor seeking advice,

"Sir you gotta help us, we tried everything to have a baby, we tried vitamins, we tried changing positions, we tried every different day of the month, we searched internet for pregnancy advice, but we just can't seem to have any luck with it, we need to know if there is some medical problem."

Doctor sat back on his chair crossed his hands and sighed,

"You boys are nuts."

The minister meets with three married couples who want to join the Baptist Church. The first couple are retirees from Florida, the second couple are in their early 40s, and the last couple are newlyweds, having been married only 3 weeks. "We have developed a small test for those who want to join, I'm afraid. You must go without having sex for 2 weeks ... and if you succeed, then you will welcome you with open arms."

The three couples shake the minister's hand and leave, determined to meet this test.

Two weeks later, the three couples return and meet with the minister in his office. "Did you succeed in your test?" he asks the first couple.

"Yes sir, we did. We have not had sex in 2 weeks." The older husband and wife beamed at the minister, and he shook their hands and welcomed them to the church.

Moving to the second couple, he asks the same question. The middle-aged couple look at each other, and say "Yes sir ... we struggled a bit with it, but we have managed not to have sex for 2 weeks as you requested." The minister smiled, shook their hands, and welcomed them to the church.

Then, he approached the newlywed couple, both in their early 20s. "My friends, did you pass the test?" The couple, shame-faced, look at each other before the husband answers, "I'm afraid not, pastor. We did really well the first 3 days, but on the fourth day, my wife bent over to pick up a can of corn and I just happened to be behind her, and before I knew it, we were having sex right then and there. I'm very sorry," he said, hanging his head.

Frowning, the minister said, "I understand, but I'm afraid you won't be able to join our church."

The man replies, "That's okay pastor - we're not allowed back to the grocery store either."

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two women and a man. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the women to a large metal door and handed her a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your husband sitting in a chair .... Kill him!!'

The woman said, 'You can't be serious I could never shoot my husband .'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right woman for this job. Take your husband and go home.'

The second woman was given the same instructions. She took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet forabout 5 minutes.

The woman came out with tears in her eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my husband .' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your husband and go home.'

Finally, it was the man’s turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' he said. 'I had to kill her with the fucking chair!'

As the waters continue to rise, the preacher kneels in prayer. After a while, one of the townsfolk comes up the street in a canoe.

"Better get in, Preacher. The waters are rising fast."

"No," says the preacher. "I have faith in the Lord. He will save me."

Still the waters rise. Now the preacher is up on the balcony, wringing his hands in supplication, when another guy zips up in a motorboat.

"Come on, Preacher. We need to get you out of here. The levee's gonna break any minute."

Once again, the preacher is unmoved. "I shall remain. The Lord will see me through."

After a while the levee breaks, and the flood rushes over the church until only the steeple remains above water. The preacher is up there, clinging to the cross, when a helicopter descends out of the clouds, and a state trooper calls down to him through a megaphone.

"Grab the ladder, Preacher. This is your last chance."

Once again, the preacher insists the Lord will deliver him.

And, predictably, he drowns.

A pious man, the preacher goes to heaven. After a while he gets an interview with God, and he asks the Almighty, "Lord, I had unwavering faith in you. Why didn't you deliver me from that flood?"

God shakes his head. "What did you want from me? I sent you two boats and a helicopter!"