Elderly jokes

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "Sir... There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man. "But let me tell you about my weekend."

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

The pond was at the edge of his land and his body wasn't as it used to be, so he hardly went to that part of his property but he decided he wanted to look it over. There were fruit trees surrounding the pond so before he left home, he grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring some fruit back with him.

As he neared the pond, he heard laughter and shouting. When he got around the trees and bushes, he saw it was a group of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He shouted out so that they could see he was there. After they saw him, they started shrieking and moved to the deep end.

One of the women shouted at the old man, "We're not coming out until you leave, perv!".

The old man frowned and said, "Now, I didn't come here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Then, holding the bucket up and smiling, he said, "No, nothing like that. I'm just here to feed the alligator."

The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all of those answers were on his badge.”

After a while, it's obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they're giving each other looks. Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it's pitch black. There's a sound of a kiss, followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother hadn't slapped him!" While the young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face, thinking:

"Life is good. How often does a guy get the chance to kiss a beautiful girl, and slap his Project Manager at the same time."

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, "Look, if you don't let me unlock the damn door you're never going to get in there!”

There are ducks everywhere on the ground and floors. St. Peter tells them: "This is Heaven, you can do anything you like, as long as you don't step on a duck. If you step on a duck, you will be punished."

The first woman tries very carefully to not step on a duck, but slips up and accidentally steps on one. St. Peter ties her up to a decaying stinky old man who coughs and sneezes all the time. He says to her: "This will be your punishment for an eternity for stepping on a duck."

The second woman goes a few days without stepping on a duck, but one morning she wakes up, gets out of bed, and accidentally steps on one. St. Peter ties her up to a disgusting old woman who is covered in warts and pus and complains all the time. He says to her: "This will be your punishment for an eternity for stepping on a duck."

The third woman saw this and became very careful. She stopped walking altogether and started gliding her feet everywhere. And few hundred years went by and she still hasn't stepped on a duck. St. Peter ties her up to a gorgeous young man for an eternity.

The woman is elated and says to the young man: "I wonder what I've done to be tied up to you for the rest of eternity!"

The man replies: "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says “God bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad.” The father says, “Good bye Grandad? Why is that?” The daughter says, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father can’t believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter’s prayers again. She says, “God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.” The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn’t know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, “God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy.” The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn’t go home and stays there until midnight. He’s very surprised. ‘I’ve cheated death!’ he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, “Where have you been?!” and the husband says, “Oh don’t ask me any questions, today’s been miserable.” The wife replies, “Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch…”

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with president trump." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, trump is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same old man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with president trump."

The Marine repeated, "Sir, as I told you yesterday, trump is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him again and just walked away.

On the third day, the old man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine. "I would like to go in and meet with president trump."

The Marine, understandably irritated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you've been here asking to speak to trump and I've told you each time that he's no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you get it?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir.

The man is perplexed and decides to pull over to investigate. After parking he walks up to the porch where a man is sitting in a rocking chair enjoying the day.

The driver asks “I saw your sign about a talking dog? Where can I see this dog?”

To which the man rocking simply points to the backyard and says “in his house along the back fence”

The driver begins to walk to the side of the house, along the side of the house and into the backyard where he sees a dog laying in front of a dog house.

The driver asked the dog “are you the talking dog?”

The dog simply replies “yup”

To which the driver replies “that’s amazing how did you learn to talk”

The dog begins ..” when I was a puppy the CIA picked me up and brought me in and taught me how to speak several different languages. One of my languages was Arabic. The Iraq War brakes out and they decided to send me over to Iraq and collect information. Who is going to expect that a dog could understand Arabic, right? Well then the war ends and I win a Bronze Star. I return to the US and I join the TSA. I sniff out drugs, guns, explosives and win all sorts of accolades. I eventually retire, find myself a nice bitch, have some puppies who grow up and move out and this is where I finally retire too.”

The driver who is absolutely stunned at this point looks at the dog and says “that’s amazing“ and then swiftly walks back to the front of the house.

When he gets to the front of the house he confronts the homeowner and says “$5?! That’s all you want for that talking dog is $5?!

To which the homeowner replies “That dog is a liar, he’s never done any of that stuff”

They take a seat, the ladies chat with one another across the table, as do the gents.

Fred asks Harold "Are you still going to that memory clinic?"

Harold says "Yes, it's been helping my memory a lot, I recommend you come along to our next session"

"What do they do there?" asks Fred.

"They teach us to remember things through word association" replies Harold.

Fred says "I might have to give it a try, what's the name of the clinic?"

Harold pauses for a while, trying to remember,

he says "Ummm, ahh, hang on... um... what's the name of that beautiful flower, the one that has thorns?"

Fred says "That'd be a rose, Harold.

Harold turns to his wife and says "Rose!, what's the name of that clinic I go to?"

One day, a man found a lamp in an old antique store and when he picked it up, POOF a genie popped out.
"I shall grant you anything you wish, but choose wisely, because I can only grant one." The genie said.
The man thought for a moment before saying, "I want a bridge from California to Hawaii so I can go there whenever I want."
The genie considered the enormity of the wish and started to bargain with the man. "Are you sure? I could grant you gold and riches, power, fame and fortune. Is this bridge really what you want?"
Hearing this the man reconsidered. After several minutes of deliberation, he finally changed his wish, "Ok, Genie, I want to know what makes women tick."
The genie was silent for a moment, deep in thought. Then he began rubbing his palms together. "Ok," he said as his hands started to smoke, "So this bridge, did you want one lane or two?"

This joke is in loving memory of my grandpa, who would be 99 today. The cleanest joke he ever told, cheers, Pa.