Medicine jokes

A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations, you’re a father of twins.”

The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence, because I work for the Minnesota Twins.”

The nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of triplets.”

The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence, I work for the 3M Company.”

The nurse tells the third guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of quadruplets.”

The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence, I work for the four seasons hotel.”

The last man is freaking out and banging his head against the wall.

The nurse asks him, “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

He replies, “No, I’m screwed! I work for 7UP.”

The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all of those answers were on his badge.”

Doctor: This medicine is for insomnia, this one is for nervous break-down, and also take this one for depression. Patient: Thank you very much, doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides vodka?

I asked my wife to be a panda, my kid to be a koala and I went as a grizzly. My wife didn't get the joke, so I said I will tell you when we get to the party… At the party I still refused to tell her and told her to be patient, so when we left…I simply turned to her and said, thanks for bearing with me!

Oh I can’t sleep at night cause i am afraid of the monster under my bed

The therapist told him: i will help you, you will take with me three sessions a week each one costing 200$ and in month you will be able to sleep

The man left and didn’t came back, after one year the man met the therapist who asked him: why haven’t you started your treatment

The man said: you wanted me to pay 2400 but my Egyptian neighbor helped me for a sandwich and a drink only

The therapist ask how and to which the man said: my Egyptian neighbor Told me to sell my bed and start sleeping on the ground and i was never scared from that day on.

They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.

“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”

Dr Jenkins sighed. “Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just ten minutes, you will die. Just because it’s natural doesn’t mean it’s safe for you!”

The man seemed to accept that, and after he and the doctors parted ways, Dr Smith asked, “What is that plant that kills you if you sit under it?”

“A water lily.”

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went.

One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!

Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..

Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches, and healing crystals all my life, and they never let me down. Now, will you do things my way, or do I need to talk to the hospital management?

Doctor: Sure, sure, lady. We'll do things your way. Does an astrology-based approach work for you?

Karen: That's better! Of course, it would!

Doctor: What's your birth sign?

Karen: Cancer.

Doctor: Well what a fucking coincidence.

Patient: "Doctor, I see blue elephants everywhere..."

Doctor: "Have you seen a psychologist yet?"

Patient: "No just blue elephants."