School jokes

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people."

The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.

On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks Dave, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?"

Dave walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering,

"Switch the limits on the integral!"

Kindergarten Teacher: OK class. If you went to sleep in 1970 what year did you wake up?

Kid 1: 1970.

Teacher: OK anyone else have an answer?

Kid 2: This year - 2017.

Teacher: Why do you say that?

Kid 2: Because the bed was called a 1970 cause that was when it was made.

Kid 3: Because you pooped yourself and it took them until 2017 to remove the stain

Teacher: Where do you get these answers...?

I said, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”

“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?”

“I’m from Ireland.”

“No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?”

“Grew up in Wexford.”

“Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!”

“Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary school did you go to?”

“I went to St Peters Secondary”

“ St Peters Secondary?! I went to St Peters Secondary! I’ll be darned! What year did you graduate?”

“1979”

“1979??!! That’s the year I graduated! What are the chances of that?!!”

Well as these 2 guys are just flabbergasted at the chances of this meeting, another guy at the end of the bar is watching curiously. He calls over to the bartender & asks “hey what on earth is going on over there?”

To which the bartender replies, “ah nothing. Just the O’Malley twins drunk again.”

Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself...

"2+5, the son of a bitch is 7"

"3+6, the son of a bitch is 9"

His mother heard this & asked, " Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?"

"Oh Mom. Don't disturb. I am doing my maths homework"

Mom: "Is this how your teacher taught you?"

"Yes mom "

Infuriated mother picked up her cell phone and called the teacher:

"Are you teaching maths to children by saying... 2+2, the son of a bitch is 4?"

There was silence for a moment

Then the teacher started laughing :

"What I taught them was... 2+2 THE SUM OF WHICH IS 4."

I told her no... How hard can kindergarten be?

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

He said it was easy but one question held him up. The mother asked what the question was. " They asked what the past tense of think was" the boy answered. "So what did you write?" the mother asked.

"I thought and thought and thought until I finally wrote thinked"! The boy replied.

I was walking to school one day, and I heard yelling from the other side of the street. It was a mom and a son. The mom yelled, "You are late! Why?" The son said, "I'm just good at sleeping mum, I can do it with my eyes closed!"

"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked,

"To draw out all his savings?"

The Norwegian dropped an orange off the plane. The pilot repeated: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Swede dropped a banana peel. Yet again there was the request: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Finn dropped a bomb. When the plane finally landed, the Finn, Swede and Norwegian went for a walk and eventually ran into a crying boy.

"Why are you crying?"
"An orange hit me in the head!"

They moved on and after a while ran into a crying girl.

"Why are you crying?"
"I slipped on a banana peel..."

After a few more minutes on the road, they met a girl and a boy who were laughing with tears in their eyes.

"What's got you so happy?"
"Our teacher farted so hard the school blew up!"

A kindergarten teacher is explaining what "literally" means to her class and asking them what it means.

Teacher: Okay, Does everyone know what "literally" means?

Teacher: Use it in a sentence

Kid 1: Birds literally come out of nowhere

Teacher: That's not true but it is if you put it as you aren't paying attention

Kid 2: Pizza is literally the best food ever

[kid walks back]

Kid 3: I literally pooped in the sink

Teacher: Did you really?

The art teacher shows the others a giant clay sculpture of a dog he made. “This thing took me nearly a month to make.” He said. “Clearly this proves that I’m the smartest.”

The math teacher just laughs at him. “That’s nothing” she says. She then pulls out a huge 1’000 question math test which she took, and the score shows that she got them all right. “It took me two months to do this, and I got them all right on the first try!!”

“Oh you make me laugh” the science teacher says. He then pulls out a robot that he built which can do laundry, walk the dog, and shoot lasers out of its eyes. “Took me three months to build this beauty, watch and weep...”

Then the gym teacher comes laughing at all three of them. “You’re all idiots” He says. “Clearly I’m the smartest of you guys.”

“Oh yeah? Why’s that?” The science teacher says.

“Because I didn’t have to do any of that, and I still get paid the same as you!”

The teacher asks, "How old is your mother?"

Little Mary says, "Forty."

The teacher says, "Yes, your mother could get pregnant."

The little girl asks, "can my big sister get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old is your sister?"

Little Mary answers, "Nineteen."

The teacher says, "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant".

The little girl asks, "Can I get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old are you?"

Mary says "I'm seven years old." The teacher says, "No, you can't get pregnant." Little Johnny, who is sitting behind little Mary, gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about"

A kung-fu student comes to his master:

"Master, why do I seem not to properly develop my kung-fu skills?"

The master takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and says:

– My student. Have you ever noticed the flaming seagulls flying beneath the sun on sunset?

"Yes master, I have."

– But have you closely watched the waterfall and the way water falls on rocks without moving them?

"Yes master, I have watched them with immense attention"

The master takes another deep breath, and asks:

– HAVE YOU... watched how the smallest creatures may thrive even on the most inhospitable habitats?

"Yes master. I have noticed them."

That's why. You keep looking at that sh*t and don't train.

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

He leans over and asks her "Do you mind if I sit with you?".

The girl answers loudly "Hell no I don't want to sleep with you, you fucking pervert!!!"

Everybody in the library looks at the guy and he feels humiliated.

After a few minutes, the girl walks over to him and softly says "I am a psychology student and I knew what you were thinking. I guess you were humiliated, right?"

The guy answers back loudly "200 bucks for a blow job? Are you fucking kidding me?".

Everybody looks at the girl and she feels humiliated.

Then the guy says "well I am a lawyer and I know how to make someone feel guilty!!!".