The best bar jokes, ranked by reader votes.
"Give me two shots of Jack Daniels," he says to the bartender. "One for me, and one for you."
"You know I don't drink on the job," the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.
Downing the drink, the man replies, "And that's why I like you better than my barber."
“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?”
“I’m from Ireland.”
“No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?”
“Grew up in Wexford.”
“Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!”
“Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary school did you go to?”
“I went to St Peters Secondary”
“ St Peters Secondary?! I went to St Peters Secondary! I’ll be darned! What year did you graduate?”
“1979”
“1979??!! That’s the year I graduated! What are the chances of that?!!”
Well as these 2 guys are just flabbergasted at the chances of this meeting, another guy at the end of the bar is watching curiously. He calls over to the bartender & asks “hey what on earth is going on over there?”
To which the bartender replies, “ah nothing. Just the O’Malley twins drunk again.”
A man walks into a bar in Vegas.
He has a parrot with him. This parrot is wholly remarkable; it is fluent in Spanish, French and English. So, being a betting man- they're all betting men down in Vegas -he goes up to the bartender and tells him, "I'll bet you this here bird can speak Spanish."
The bartender knows this type, and slams his hand down on the counter with a $10 bill. "You're on! Let's see it."
So the man turned to the bird and asks, "Hablas Espanol?"
The bird is silent as a stone.
"Well, watch this, then, he can speak French too. Parlez-vous Francais?"
The parrot remains silent. The man is sweating through his jacket, and the bartender is chuckling derisively. "Hand over the cash, sir, and have a nice night."
As he walks dejectedly out of the bar, the man turns to the parrot. "You jerk!", he cries. "You cost me ten bucks!"
The parrot, taken aback, ruffles his feathers arrogantly. "Cost you? Buddy, I just made you a fortune! Think of the odds you can get there tomorrow!"
Two whales are in a bar. One of them turns to the other and says," Ohooaoaoaoaoaoaooaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaowwwwwoaoaoaoaaaaaaaaaaaaooooooooooooooooo." The other one turns to the other and says," Go home, Steve. You're drunk."
"I just visited Joe's Tavern. It's the best one I ever visited. It even had a solid gold toilet!"
"Cool!" says Ted. He is so excited, he calls up Joe's Tavern. "My roommate told me all about your solid gold toilet!" he says.
"What?" sputters Joe the bartender on the other line. "We don't have a solid gold toilet!"
Ted hangs up the phone. "You must have been drunkenly mistaken," he says. "Joe's doesn't have a solid gold toilet."
"It does so!" responds George. "I'll prove it to you. I'll take you to Joe's tomorrow and show you myself!"
The next day, George brings Ted to Joe's. He is about to tell Ted where the toilet is, when suddenly, a voice is heard from the other end of the bar:
"HEY, YOU! AREN'T YOU THE D**KHEAD WHO TOOK A S**T IN MY TUBA LAST NIGHT?!"
He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"
The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewhat miffed the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that Jew!"
Once again while everyone is cheering he turns back to the Jew grinning evilly but is shocked to see the Jew still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the Nazi's direction.
The Nazi turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth "A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar except for that Jew".
The Nazi satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the Jew smiling broadly at him and waving.
Furiously the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "What the hell is wrong with that Jew? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?"
The bartender replies "Neither. He's the owner of the bar."
When he gets to his hotel room, he feels bed, “wow this bed is big!”
“Everything is big in Texas” says the bellhop The man heads downstairs to the bar sits on a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands, “wow these drinks are big.” “Everything is big in Texas” says the bartender” After downing a few, the blind man asks for the bathroom. “Second door to the right”says the bartender The blind man heads to the bathroom but accidentally opens the door that leads to the swimming pool and falls in. Popping his head from underwater, he flails his arms and shouts “Don’t flush! Don’t flush!