Newest jokes

Finally they come. The people can see them through the windows, they get inside the plane and the passengers are freaked out. Both pilot and co-pilot are wearing blindfolds marking them as blind, have white canes with them and dark sunglasses. The people freak out a bit, but after both of them get into the cockpit and start the plane, they calm down and are convinced it was just a stupid joke. So the plane starts rolling, and rolling and rolling on the runway. This airport runway is ending at a cliff, and the plane approaches it and doesn't seem to make any attempts to start. The people start screaming in panic, in this moment the plane takes off into the sky and everyone calms down. In the cockpit the co-pilot turns to the pilot and grumbles: "You know, one day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die."

The art teacher shows the others a giant clay sculpture of a dog he made. “This thing took me nearly a month to make.” He said. “Clearly this proves that I’m the smartest.”

The math teacher just laughs at him. “That’s nothing” she says. She then pulls out a huge 1’000 question math test which she took, and the score shows that she got them all right. “It took me two months to do this, and I got them all right on the first try!!”

“Oh you make me laugh” the science teacher says. He then pulls out a robot that he built which can do laundry, walk the dog, and shoot lasers out of its eyes. “Took me three months to build this beauty, watch and weep...”

Then the gym teacher comes laughing at all three of them. “You’re all idiots” He says. “Clearly I’m the smartest of you guys.”

“Oh yeah? Why’s that?” The science teacher says.

“Because I didn’t have to do any of that, and I still get paid the same as you!”

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."

A tree falls in the forest but doesn't make a sound.

Hunter in camouflage gear: "WHAT THE HECK???!"

Tree: "I mean, AAAAAARGH, I fell!"

They are to be killed by the guillotine.

First is the priest. The executioner says "You can go on the guillotine either face up or face down". The priest says "I want to die face up, looking up to the heavens". So the priest lies face up. The executioner releases the blade; the blade falls rapidly but suddenly stops just 1 inch from the priest's neck. Given the miracle, the priest is allowed to walk free.

Next comes the alcoholic. The executioner offers him the same choice, "Do you want to lie facing up or facing down?". The alcoholic says "I want to face up... to remember my glorious drinking days". So the alcoholic lies face up. The executioner releases the blade, and again, it suddenly stops just 1 inch from the man's neck. Given the miracle, the alcoholic is allowed to walk free.

Finally, it's the engineer's turn. Once again, the executioner offers him the same choice, "Face up or face down?". The engineer scratches his head and says "face up I guess". So the engineer lies face up. Just as the executioner is about to release the blade, the engineer starts shouting. "WAIT WAIT!! .... I found the problem!".

I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

Wife gets angry and says "and you are stubborn, arrogant, a low life who cares about no one but yourself. All you are interested in is your own self, all your life you have not fulfilled even one of your promises. You good for nothing, fat, ugly man. Even your hair transplant failed."

Husband: "Calm down, I was just informing you that your Covid test is negative."

Wife: "Oh! Sorry honey!"

....I've decided it's cheaper to get robbed.

So of course, I went, and he was right. I saw my dad

It's so deep that they can’t see the bottom. One hunter goes looking for something to throw down the hole hoping to see how deep it is.

He finds a rusty old anvil near by and throws it down the hole. The hole is so deep they never hear it hit the bottom.

Suddenly, they hear speeding hooves behind them and a goat goes flying past them and jumps right into the hole.

A few seconds later, they hear a farmer calling out for his goat. "Betsy! Betsy!"

He sees the two hunters and asks if they had seen his goat Betsy."Yeah", they say, "She ran right passed us at like 80 miles and hour and jumped right into this hole!"

“That’s impossible, the man says, "I had her chained to an anvil! ”

"I want to live forever" I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant those type of wishes."

"Fine" I said, "I want to die only after the last repost has been made in Top Funny Jokes!"

"You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.

This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

I said, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”

Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same?

10+10=twenty 11+11=twenty too

The boy obeyed. The boy returned home and reported to his mom.

Son: Mom! I led the cat far into the jungle. I even got lost!!

Mother: How were you able to come back home?

Son: I followed the cat.

The nun shouts "who is it?" and a voice from the other side replies "it's the blind man, can I come in?"

The nun replies "sure" and the blind man comes into the room and says "nice tits luv, where do you want to hang these blinds?"

The minister meets with three married couples who want to join the Baptist Church. The first couple are retirees from Florida, the second couple are in their early 40s, and the last couple are newlyweds, having been married only 3 weeks. "We have developed a small test for those who want to join, I'm afraid. You must go without having sex for 2 weeks ... and if you succeed, then you will welcome you with open arms."

The three couples shake the minister's hand and leave, determined to meet this test.

Two weeks later, the three couples return and meet with the minister in his office. "Did you succeed in your test?" he asks the first couple.

"Yes sir, we did. We have not had sex in 2 weeks." The older husband and wife beamed at the minister, and he shook their hands and welcomed them to the church.

Moving to the second couple, he asks the same question. The middle-aged couple look at each other, and say "Yes sir ... we struggled a bit with it, but we have managed not to have sex for 2 weeks as you requested." The minister smiled, shook their hands, and welcomed them to the church.

Then, he approached the newlywed couple, both in their early 20s. "My friends, did you pass the test?" The couple, shame-faced, look at each other before the husband answers, "I'm afraid not, pastor. We did really well the first 3 days, but on the fourth day, my wife bent over to pick up a can of corn and I just happened to be behind her, and before I knew it, we were having sex right then and there. I'm very sorry," he said, hanging his head.

Frowning, the minister said, "I understand, but I'm afraid you won't be able to join our church."

The man replies, "That's okay pastor - we're not allowed back to the grocery store either."

They pack, chips, sandwiches, and soda, and start to walk to their picnic area. The spot is 5 miles away, and it takes the turtles 10 full days to get there. Once they get there, they realize that they had left the bottle opener, and thus could not open the sodas. They nominate Jimmy to walk back and bring the bottle opener. Jimmy is at first reluctant, as he thinks Jeff and Joe will just eat all the food while he is gone, but after two hours, he is convinced that they won’t, and sets out on his journey.

20 days pass, and Joe and Jeff are extremely hungry, but they remember their promise and wait for Jimmy to return. Another 3 days pass, and they become worried, but still remember the promise they made, and wait. After another 5 days, they begin to believe Jimmy abandoned them, and went to the McDonald’s down the street instead. So they decide to eat the sandwiches.

Just as they are about to take their first bite, Jimmy appears from behind a rock, and says “I knew it! Just for that, I’m not going!”

After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting.

“I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way.”

At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.

The news Broke out.

Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.

The Americans, also impressed ordered the robot. Under 3 hours after its deployment in NYC the robot caught nearly 100 thieves.

The Indians, already facing massive complaints of thievery and muggings, decided to give it a try.

After deploying the robot in Mumbai under 30 minutes the robot got stolen.