Newest jokes

My computer suddenly started singing "Someone Like You".
Turns out it's a Dell.

I changed my password to "incorrect".
So whenever I forget it, the computer says: "Your password is incorrect."

Q: Why do programmers prefer dark mode?
A: Because light attracts bugs.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.

Q: Why did the scarecrow win an award?
A: Because he was outstanding in his field.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked,

"To draw out all his savings?"

He didn't want any advice.

A husband asks her wife, "If I die, will you get another marriage?"

The wife answered, "No, of course not! I'm going to go live with my sister. What about you, are you getting another marriage when I'm gone? "

He replied, "No, same with you. I'm going to go live with your sister."

When he arrived he was told he'd have to take a welding test.

He turned in 2 sets of welds. One was a great weld, the other was a mess.

When the boss asked him why he did this he replied "One is $18/hr, the other is $24/hr".

"Simple", grins the millionaire.

" I faked my age".

His friends are really amazed and ask him what age he told her...

he replies: " I said i was 87"

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady: "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed: "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Oh Well now That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

"Nah, there's no need" I replied.

"But why?" she asked. "We always pray at home when I cook dinner."

"Because I think we'll be fine here, the chef knows what he's doing."

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went.

One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!

Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..

Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.

5 years old son,

After watching a story of an Emperor on TV:

"Mum, I also want 7 wives, one will cook for me, one will read for me, one will go for walk with me, one will sing for me,one can bath me...."

Mum smiled and said:

"Then night time I don't have to accompany you to sleep".

After some thought, son said: "Not possible, I still want to sleep with you mummy!"

Moms eyes fill up with tears of happiness:

"My sweet son!"

"Then who will sleep with your 7 wives?"

"Let them sleep with daddy!"

Dads eyes fill up with tears of happiness:

"My sweet son!"

Two lawyers walk into a restaurant, sit down at a table, order a coffee and pull out sandwiches from their suitcases. An angry waitress approaches them, exclaiming "Excuse me, you can't eat your own food here!" The lawyers look at her, then at each other and exchange the sandwiches.

A kung-fu student comes to his master:

"Master, why do I seem not to properly develop my kung-fu skills?"

The master takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and says:

– My student. Have you ever noticed the flaming seagulls flying beneath the sun on sunset?

"Yes master, I have."

– But have you closely watched the waterfall and the way water falls on rocks without moving them?

"Yes master, I have watched them with immense attention"

The master takes another deep breath, and asks:

– HAVE YOU... watched how the smallest creatures may thrive even on the most inhospitable habitats?

"Yes master. I have noticed them."

That's why. You keep looking at that sh*t and don't train.

It's quite time consuming

Ones an animal found in Australia and the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift.

So he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder. The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to be light brown color."

The prince says, "I rather like the Turkish bulls. Fine specimens indeed."

"Excellent choice, your majesty. But Turkish bull is special. They is bred for royalty, like you. But if you have royal blood, you must be bonding with bull calf when young, before they change color. Or they will reject you," the Russian explains.

"Well", the prince says, "I'm looking for a strong, adult bull. I'm not particularly interested in buying a calf. I rather like this big, beige bull over here."

The prince attempts to pet the large Turkish bull. It sniffs his hand, shakes its head in disgust, turns around and kicks the prince with its hind legs.

The prince goes flying across the room and lands in a pile of hay.

"Where did you get such a horrible beast?! Why did it kick me!?" He sputters.

"I told you. From Turkey." The Russian explains. "Is tan bull, can't stand a noble."